Spirals
by momentofbored
Summary: AU. Only Lily survives the attack on Godric's Hollow. She makes her way to Hogwarts and meets up with Severus once more. LilySev angst, tension, and romance are running rampant throughout.
1. Subtlety

So, hi. Both those newly converted to the ship and those who have believed since forever, I'm so happy about the revelations in the seventh book it's ridiculous. While I initially was going to write some missing moments (and probably still will) a lot of people have gotten on that and are doing fabulously, seriously I love you all.

What I realized, though, was that in my previous fic I was giving Lily too much credit, in a way- she wasn't able to be the bigger person and forgive Severus, and she hadn't yet learned about the nuances of life (or anyway that's my interpretation) i.e. that not everything is or should be black and white, us vs them etc and there are shades of gray… and she died before she figured it out, I think.

And since at heart I am just a fangirl and want them to be happy, I had an idea about an AU fic where Lily, not Harry, was the only survivor the night that Voldemort came for her family and how things might have progressed then. I really am testing the waters with this chapter so if you guys could let me know what you think I would appreciate it a lot, even if you think it sucks.

Thanks as always and happy reading!

Chapter One

He gazed at the girl in disgust for a long moment, realizing how easy it would be to just shove her out of the way but annoyed by her foolish impulses to be heroic, her lack of a wand. As she cried out something about taking her instead, as though there was an _instead_, he lazily weighed Severus's loyalty against her clearly uninspiring qualities before making a decision, barking, "Petrificus Totalus" before turning his attention to the child in the crib, saying the words 'Avada Kedavra' with no hesitation and smiling as there was a flash of green and the baby went still before turning his attention back to the girl, saying almost lazily, "Enervate' before disapperating.

--

Severus Snape walked uneasily down the grand staircase of Hogwarts, realizing he should just go to bed but unable to, feeling somehow that something wasn't right even as only the silence of the castle echoed around him. As he continued down the stairs he resented for the millionth time in the months since he had come to teach at the Castle how full of memories it was. It would be so much easier to just walk the halls unencumbered, not forced to think of the fact that this was the stairwell where James Potter had caused him to break out in warts, that if you were to turn right at the bottom you would reach the corner where Lily had kissed his cheek, so softly, fourth year, right before the Winter Holiday-

And then he instinctually leapt backward into shadow as the front door to the castle banged open, unable to believe his eyes, thinking it was some sort of vision as the very woman who haunted his every waking moment burst inside, slamming the door shut behind her, breathing hard.

"Lily," he cried out, unable to stop himself, and as she swiveled toward him he began practically sprinting down the stairs, stunned as she said with unnatural calm,

"Why, hello, Sev. Is Albus here?"

And though she almost seemed unaffected he could see in her eyes that she was anything but as he ventured a step toward her, taking in the dirt on her clothes, the small cut on her cheek, wondering what she had gone through to get there as he blurted awkwardly,

"He- he should be, can I get him for you? Can I get anything for you-" and she shook her head, seeming unsurprised as Albus himself came silently but with speed Severus wouldn't have guessed he possessed down the stairs.

"Lillian, what a pleasant surprise. I came as soon as my portraits informed me of your arrival- what has caused you to come here? Surely you realize what a danger it is to leave your house-"Dumbledore began but was silenced as Lily trembled, seeming unable to speak before she took a small step forward.

"I need-" Lily began, biting her lip before near whispering, "to talk to you alone."

Dumbledore looked at her kindly. "Surely anything you have to say can be said here-"

And Severus felt his heart break in two as she looked between the two of them uncertainly before biting out with more venom than he ever remembered hearing from her, jerking her head in his direction,

"Not in front of Voldemort's minions."

And to Severus's outrage Dumbledore didn't even look to him for his permission before saying with calm conviction, "I don't think Severus would mind my telling you at this delicate juncture that he has been acting as an informant to the Order at great personal risk for almost a year now. Of course," he continued with easy confidence, "you will understand the necessity of no one else from the Order finding out this rather scintillating bit of information-'"

And to Severus's shock Lily's knees buckled under her and she sank to her knees, seeming to laugh and cry at once as she exclaimed "Oh God Sev I always knew you would" before her cries turned anguished as she moaned, seeming to forget he was even there "Albus, he killed my family. Voldemort came and he just- he just- oh god why aren't I dead too?"

Severus didn't understand for a long moment but when he finally did it was clear to him from Dumbledore's anguished expression that he had suspected this from the second he knew she had arrived in the castle, that it was devastating to him even as Severus himself could feel nothing more than relief-

Until he saw the anguish on Lily's face, and, unwilling to analyze it too closely, said in a voice schooled to hide his emotions, "We should get her upstairs."

Dumbledore nodded, and Severus saw him raise his wand to utter a mobilizing charm, held up a hand to stop him even as he hardly knew why before he knelt next to the sobbing girl and carefully, carefully scooped her up into his arms, hurt as she protested loudly, "Don't you touch me, please, please, don't let him touch me," and Severus was unsure if she was imploring to Dumbledore or lost in other memories as he carried her up the stairs, almost relieved as she seemed to pass out before he deposited her onto the most comfortable chair in Dumbledore's office and turned to the man himself.

"You knew nothing of this," Albus said quickly, and Severus was slightly offended before realizing it was a statement, not a question.

"No," he confirmed softly and Dumbledore's brow furrowed slightly before he said sharply,

"Let us hope this doesn't mean he is losing confidence in your loyalty."

"I think not," Severus fired back definitely. "He trusts no one, I'm not an exception and he knows I am- that I have feelings for-" he shot an uneasy glance at Lily, relieved as Albus seemed to understand, before the older man mused slowly,

"Most remarkable that he spared her," his eyes snapping up to meet Severus's own. "It seems he thinks highly of you indeed." He smiled sardonically, biting out, "Doubtless he expects you to bed her at the earliest opportunity," and Severus felt sick before he muttered so softly he didn't know if Dumbledore would hear him,

"Then he doesn't understand at all-"

"Indeed, Severus," Albus said suddenly, quickly, "What I have been trying to impress on you since you were a child is just this: Tom Riddle does not understand at all-"

And suddenly Severus felt a burning pain where the dark mark was located on his arm, shot an uncertain look between the mark and Lily, stunned as Albus said shortly,

"You must go at once. You are to tell him that Lily has sought sanctuary at Hogwarts. You are to tell him she has said nothing and is in shock. You are to tell him you believe she will leave here to go into hiding elsewhere at the earliest opportunity with myself as her new secret keeper. Go now."

Severus didn't hesitate.

--

"Severus," the Dark Lord greeted almost jovially as Snape apperated. "Come, and join the celebrations."

"My Lord is gracious," Severus said slowly, careful to keep his eyes lowered submissively. "Might I enquire as to the cause of our celebration?"

"Indeed," Voldemort smiled almost eerily. "Tonight is the night on which the last remaining threat to my power was eliminated. The Potter boy is dead and I am invincible."

"I am overjoyed to hear it, my Lord," Severus said slowly.

"And let it never said that Lord Voldemort does not reward his followers," he leered. "I have spared the mudblood bitch as you requested. I contemplated bring her here for your immediate enjoyment, but decided against it. She should be easy enough for you to locate, however-"

"Indeed, my Lord," Severus replied, careful to keep his tone submissive, "I bring you news. Lillian Potter has already sought sanctuary at Hogwarts. She collapsed almost immediately and was able to say nothing, but it is clear to me now what has happened. I believe, knowing her and Albus, that she will go into hiding at the earliest possible opportunity with him as her new secret keeper."

Voldemort's eyes flashed before he said softly, excitedly, "Believe that I hate to send one of my most loyal supporters from me at such a time of triumph, but I require you to go back to the castle and tell me all that occurs there." 

Severus felt a surge of gratitude which he fought to hide as he murmured agreeably, "My only desire is to serve you, my lord."

--

"Mark him?" he could hear Lily say blankly as he returned to Albus's office and Severus was amazed at her ability to be near calm as she discussed the horrifying events that had occurred mere hours before, realized for the millionth time how strong she was as she shook her head definitely even as her hands shook nearly uncontrollably as she handled a teacup and Severus wondered despite himself what Ablus may have put in it as Lily continued, "No. Nothing like that. I'm positive. He just…" and she bit her lip, swallowing a sob, "He just killed him."

"May I enter?" Severus asked almost hesitantly, surprised at how hurt he felt as Lily let out a half grimace before shrugging, clearly deferring to Albus's judgment, and his hurt increased as Albus seemed to really deliberate for a long moment himself before sighing.

"Yes, if it's alright with you, Lillian, I think he had better."

She shrugged, smiling hollowly. "Alright with me?" she echoed blankly. "As though I could care less about anything at a moment like-"

"That will be enough," Albus interjected mildly but firmly and for a second Severus was sure Lily was going to burst into tears.

"Forgive me," she bit out before biting her lip uneasily.

"Severus, you remember, I trust, the prophesy," Albus said quickly.

"Yes," he retorted briefly, unsurprised as Lily's eyes narrowed and she seemed to contemplate before bursting out,

"How does _he_ know? My god, Albus, is there anyone who DOESN'T know? And what makes you so sure you can trust him? I'm not sure if you've noticed or not, but in some circles he's called a death eater-"

"Silence," Albus said softly, but in a tone that allowed for no argument before continuing as though her outburst hadn't happened, "You remember the part where it said, then, that the Dark Lord would mark him as his equal?"

Severus nodded. "I do."

"There can be no doubt that this has not happened here. It seems obvious to me, therefore, that the prophesy did not refer to Harry after all, but to Neville Longbottom- it is imperative that we refocus our attentions on his and his family's safety, and-"

"So it was all for nothing?" Lily questioned incredulously, standing up. "My child was killed because the Voldemort was WRONG? How'd he get the prophesy anyway, I swear, I could kill whoever gave it to him-"

"Severus, you may go," Dumbledore said quickly, but not quickly enough as with one last anguished look at Lily Severus fled from the room.

"Lillian!" Dumbledore said sharply as soon as he was sure the other man had gone, "I know how you're feeling-"

"You have no idea how I'm-" she began, voice raised, but he merely arched an eyebrow gently before saying somberly,

"Don't I? But regardless of whether I do or not, I must tell you something right now and I need you to try to be strong enough to hear me."

She took a deep breath, composing herself as best she could before nodding with difficulty.

"I cannot explain and so I need you to trust me when I tell you that a very great deal may depend on your kindness to Severus in the coming months-

"The hell with Severus," she burst out in a mixture of fury and agony. "My husband is DEAD. My child is DEAD. Why should I give a shit about the man who betrayed me when we were younger-"

Albus looked at her searchingly before saying softly, but with certainty, "It was my understanding that a series of unfortunate decisions led to you betraying one another, Lily. You may think I've forgotten how the two of you were when you first arrived here, but I haven't. You were inseparable, bringing out the best in one another. I am not such a fool as to believe that that will happen again, but I assure you it is IMPERITIVE that you show him some kindness. His continued cooperation with the order depends upon you more than you will ever realize-"

"Me?" she replied blankly before starting to laugh hollowly, "ME? Severus hates me and everyone like me. He chose his way and I chose mine-" she began, almost automatically, with what Albus recognized as the ease and outrage of someone who has repeated something many, many times for many, many years regardless of whether they truly believed it-

"And you think it to be that simple, really?" Albus replied in a tone that made it clear he didn't believe her at all before continuing, "I would have credited you of all people with a greater appreciation for subtlety."

"Subtlety?" Lily snapped incredulously before a tear trickled down her cheek and she whispered, sounding defeated, "I don't understand at _all_- it will just be a waste of time-"

And he looked at her closely before half-smiling as though he knew something she didn't before saying, almost sadly, "I rather think not, Lily."

--

_Comments of any kind are treasured… thanks!_


	2. Gratitude

Chapter 2

Severus flinched as Lily let out a small moan in her sleep before her eyes blinked open and she sat up quickly, pulling her knees up to her chest defensively before looking around the room, her eyes landing on him almost as an afterthought and he tried without success to read her expression before she suddenly put a hand to her head and he leapt up, saying awkwardly,

""I have a draught for headaches should you require-"

"No," she cut him off and though her face was humorless her voice had a glimmer of the teasing edge he'd adored so much so long ago as she continued, more harshly than he'd expected "I don't _require_," before swinging her legs over the side of the bed, not seeming to notice or care that she hadn't cleaned up at all since the night before, was even still wearing the muggle clothing she was nearly killed in that looked so ridiculous inside Hogwarts walls-

"I guess it's too much to hope that this is all just a dream, huh?" she blurted after a long moment of awkward silence and Severus hated the way he seemed unable to speak as he shook his head in the negative. "Thought so," she nodded almost flippantly, but as she tried to stand her knees gave out from under her and though he didn't dare to step closer to her he could see that her whole body was shaking. She let out a small, self-deprecating laugh before muttering, "Don't suppose you have a draught to treat a hysterical woman who just saw her whole family killed?"

"No," he replied, hating how he was reduced to one syllable responses even in her presence, that he had no idea what to say- 'I'm glad you're alive' seemed insufficient, even inappropriate, but it was practically the only thing he could think, over and over- as he'd watched her sleep he had given thanks to a god he had never believed in for somehow keeping her safe, allowing her to get to Hogwarts-

"Bummer," she replied with a slight arch of her eyebrow and he was struck by her wit and humor, even now, how she was fighting to retain them- and with a visible effort she stood, still shaking slightly but spine straight as she said unthinkingly, "So I guess Dumbledore sent you to wake me up?"

He opened his mouth and then shut it, uncertain how to respond, knowing only that she must never, ever know he'd been there all night just trying to reassure himself that she was alright, trying to ensure someone would be there if she needed anything-

"Yes," he lied.

She nodded, "Figures," she muttered before looking suddenly, genuinely remorseful, and she looked him in the eye before stating, "He trusts you a lot, you know. I can tell."

Severus opened and closed his mouth again, realizing he must appear to be an idiot but totally unsure of how to respond to her incredulous statement before he managed to utter stiffly, "Trust is not something that is afforded to me or that I deserve. Albus has come to depend on me, no more."

Her brow furrowed and for a second she looked like she wanted to say something but then shook her head, but whether because she decided she had larger worries at the moment or because she didn't know what to say Severus couldn't tell. "Is he in his office?" she enquired, turning toward the door at the same moment Albus appeared in it, smiling kindly at her as he retorted,

"It would seem he's here instead," before stepping into the room and surveying Lily closely. "Epi-" he began to say, his wand angled at her scraped cheek, but Lily's hand shot up and she said dully,

"Leave it." At Albus's mildly surprised and Severus's incredulous look she cast her eyes down, but said firmly, "In tribute to those who have fallen."

Albus shrugged agreeably even as he said persuasively, "It's only a scrape, it will heal-"

"I wish it were a scar," Lily stated strongly, turning from him in a way that made it clear that the topic was closed.

To Severus's surprise Dumbledore merely nodded, seeming to understand before he said with compassion, "I know you do. Might I convince you, however, to come down to breakfast?"

She shook her head after a moment, turing back to face the older man, seeming genuinely remorseful. "I'm sorry, Albus, but I'm not hungry."

He nodded, again seeming to understand. "I'll have something sent up regardless. I'll be in my office all day until dinner. Don't hesitate to come to me should you become ready to discuss what you'd like to do next but-" and to Severus's surprise the man looked pained for just a moment before saying in the same mild voice, "should it take more time, even a great deal more time, be sure I understand-"

"No," Lily said, voice emotionless as her eyes fixated determinedly on the corner of the room. "No, this afternoon will be fine."

Dumbledore shot Severus a pointed look and with one last stiff and awkward nod in Lily's direction he followed the older man out of the room.

--

Severus was surprised when Lily showed up for breakfast the next morning, another seat having appeared at the faculty table, and sat down rather stiffly next to him, brand new black robes flowing around her and making her hair appear brighter than a sunrise. She nodded her acknowledgement at him but didn't speak as she sat down and surveyed the room with uncertainty, eating a scant amount before Dumbledore stood, clearing his throat loudly and the students, some of whom had been covertly pointing to Lily and whispering under their breath, were instantly silenced.

"As most of you are aware," Dumbledore said loudly, "Lillian Potter arrived here two nights ago, seeking sanctuary in the wake of Voldemort's destruction of her home and family. The eldest of you were classmates of Professor Potter's during her final years at Hogwarts-"

And while Dumbledore kept talking Severus's mind started to spin at the use of the word _Professor _as he wondered what specifically Dumbledore was getting at before he distinctly heard,

"Professor Potter has expressed an interest in teaching Transfiguration, and after lengthy discussion with her and Professor McConagal I have decided we could do well with two Transfiguration professors- one to deal mainly with the transfiguration of non-living objects, the other for live transfiguration. Professor Potter will now be the primary teacher of the first through third years, but I urge you _all_ to remember to treat her with the respect she deserves. Thank you," he concluded mildly before taking his seat and resuming his breakfast as though nothing had happened.

Severus looked at the girl beside him, then back at his food, took a bite, then repeated the action. She looked at him quizzically before shooting him the half-smirk that he knew so well, that almost inspired him to return one in kind until he saw that it didn't come close to reaching her eyes as she enquired lightly, "Did you want to say something, Sev?"

"My name is Severus," he said stiffly, wanting to bang his head into something even as the words left his mouth as he wondered how he had become such a glutton for punishment while she shrugged, not seeming to care.

"Yes I know, and it's also three syllables, which is one more than is acceptable to me in normal conversation," she fired back archly and he fought the impulse to smile before he said, ignoring her comment,

"I was merely surprised at your desire to teach. I never remember you-"

"Well it was either that or go back into hiding, alone this time," she shrugged, then suddenly turned to look at him, sharply. "I would think you would understand my decision."

"I do," he replied, hating that he was even replying before she frowned slightly.

"I wanted to reach DDA but Dumbledore didn't seem to think I was up to it in light of the recent-" and suddenly she seemed unable to continue, looked slightly sick, and Severus blurted before he could even consider the ramifications, just wanting her to stop looking that way-

"Than makes two of us. He denied my application for that particular position as well."

Her head snapped toward his again, her eyes searching his though he couldn't tell for what and then, unexpectedly, she smiled like she used to when they were _much_ younger, years before she had developed her trademark smirk that preceded a well-meaning barb, this was an open smile, a friendly one-

"Well there's always next year-" but she suddenly seemed to come to her senses and the smile faded, replaced by a slightly uneasy look as she continued to pick at her food. As the dining hall began clearing out she squared her shoulders, seeming to brace herself before standing, and hardly knowing what possessed him Severus grabbed her wrist gently, trying not to be hurt when she froze as though afraid before she asked, "Yes?" almost impatiently.

"I just wanted to tell you that- I'm glad you're here, Lily," he said as quickly as he could before turning away and starting to hurry away fro her, stunned when her hand reached out and grabbed his own firmly from behind and he heard her say softly, even as he couldn't bring himself to turn to look at her,

"I'm glad you're here too, Severus," before she walked slowly from the room.

--

Severus walked toward Lily's doorway much later, unsure how he had even come to be in this wing of the castle and at the same time sure he could be no where else until he was sure she was alright and her first day as faculty had gone well-

And he stopped as he heard loud, gut-wrenching sobs coming from the other side of it, heard her moan her husband's name and wondered what he had been thinking as with one lingering look at her closed door he turned on his heel and walked away.

--

_Next chapter: Sirius, Peter (I have NOT forgotten that bit of this) and Lily/Sev interaction galore :-D Comments are treasured, especially now… I am leaving for Germany in a few days and this is a very stressful time, truthfully… packing and tying up loose ends are never fun, reviews will make my day. Even if they're bad ones :-P_

_I think the stage is pretty much set now, the next few chapters will be more action packed… I hope you all enjoyed!_


	3. Tears

Severus watched Lily as she silently glided down the hallway, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably at how she'd been acting for the past week- nearly silent, speaking only when spoken to, teaching more than competently but not becoming overly engaged with the students, spending the vast majority of her time alone-

And it hit him that, ironically, after all this time, she was acting like _him_, and he hated it- it was the opposite of everything she had ever stood for, always reaching out to others, proud, yes, but certain of her convictions, insanely loyal to anyone who shared them-

And his stomach clenched again as it occurred to him briefly that she hadn't been loyal to him before he felt a sharp stab of pain somewhere in the general direction of his heart and was forced to admit he'd turned on her, at least outwardly, months and months before she had told him the friendship was over- treated her horribly in public and counted on her forgiveness when things were as they'd always been in private- trusted the years of friendship, the label of 'best friend' when he should have realized that someone like her could not be pushed that far- did not deserve to be pushed that far-

"Lily!" he cried out before she was able to turn the corner and she stopped, not turning to look at him- but he didn't need to see her face to know her brow was gently wrinkled in confusion-

And he felt bewildered himself as he realized that he had stupidly called out to her with nothing to say. Not for the first time he felt almost overwhelming frustration at how she'd been treating him- for the first 72 hours, except for her admission that she was glad he was there, she had treated him with an almost open hostility, angry with the world and taking it out on him for things that had happened years ago- or at least, he had had to believe, for his own sanity, that this was what she'd been doing-

But then she'd begun treating him as she did all the other faculty members- with respect, casual kindness, and the slightest bit of deference for their greater experience- but not with warmth.

And much as it surprised him, the near indifference was a million times worse than her hostility-

"Did you want something, Severus?" she asked with perfect calm that he didn't think he would have needed to know her nearly as well as he did to realize was a façade- and he wondered briefly how close she really must be to a total nervous breakdown, knew she'd pulled herself together much too quickly after the attack on her home to have really allowed herself time to grieve-

"I was just-" he fumbled, taking a hesitant step in her direction before sighing in frustration. "I just wondered- if- I mean- I wanted to ask how you're doing."

She looked at him, face openly surprised before slipping into indifference again as she shrugged. "Not too bad. Some of the Slytherin kids were kind of mean to me-" and then she flushed, seeming to remember belatedly that she was a teacher, to whom exactly she was talking- "Sorry, I'm being stupid," she muttered. "I mean, even if I should care, which I shouldn't, that's not what you meant when you asked how I was doing. And- regarding what you meant- it's been okay." She shrugged, lower lip quivering slightly. "Nights are harder."

He looked at her, wishing he knew what to say, and after a long moment in which she seemed to be waiting for a response she just sighed, muttering, "Never mind," before she turned the corner away from him.

--

"I just don't get it," Lily cried out, literally wringing her hands as she paced back and forth in front of Dumbledore's desk as the older man gazed at her in what might almost have been amusement but she somehow know was more than that- underneath the placid look was sympathy, and somehow, inexplicably, keen interest in what she might say-

"And what exactly is it that you fail to understand?" he asked kindly, but with that same slightly unsettling look as she stopped her pacing and bit out,

"What he's doing. Albus, I want you to call him off. This has become ridiculous-"

"Believe me when I say, Lily, that it is not in my power to call Severus- or anyone else- 'off', as you so put it. I never-"

"_Please_," she snapped sarcastically, rolling her eyes before saying with absolute certainty, "You can't expect me to believe that Severus is practically _stalking _me through the castle of his own accord, only to ask me how I'm doing as though he actually cared and then, when I tried to tell him, stare at me like I'd just announced the weather?" And she cringed as she recalled the slight twitch of his jaw as he'd otherwise stood totally still, more stoic than he had ever been when they were students-

"I feel that, given what you've described, the word _stalking _may be a bit harsh," Dumbledore said mildly. "It seems to me that Severus is merely concerned for your well being, and, unaccustomed to interactions with others his own age- I might even venture the word _friends_, were you in a better mood-

Lily recoiled as though slapped and her face fell even further before she straightened her spine, saying with conviction, "Severus and I are NOT friends. There are times I doubt that we ever were. He doesn't care about me, and I don't- and I don't-" she tried to finish, but let the sentence trail off instead before a single tear slid down her cheek before she could stop it before she whispered, halfhearted tirade seemingly forgotten, "I'm sorry, Albus, I just- I know I've been- I know I haven't been myself but I-" and for a split second Lily feared that despite her best efforts she was going to burst into tears as another tear trickled down her cheek. "I miss James," she whispered softly, hating that she seemed to have become a walking cliché as she continued, "and I don't want to talk about it even though I know I should, because talking about it makes it seem real and-"

Dumbledore looked at her, brow furrowed slightly before he ventured mildly, "Perhaps if you'd said that to Severus the situation this afternoon would have gone differently-" and Lily was slightly confused by the thinly veiled eagerness in his voice before she said slowly, flatly,

"Severus- wouldn't understand. And that's if he even actually cared, which I can assure you, Albus, he made clear years ago that he doesn't-"

"And it never occurred to you that perhaps you should give him a chance, Lily?" Dumbledore enquired gently, but she felt like she might die of shame at the reproach clear in his voice. "People do occasionally change, as I'm certain you know, having married the man I believe you used to refer to as a- what was it again? Arrogant toe rag?"

Lily flushed hotly but felt anger threatening to come to the surface again as she snapped, "How dare you presume to lecture me about my relationship with James-"

"I wasn't aware that's what I was doing," Albus said innocently, "But if I was, please accept my apology-"

Lily looked at him in near disgust before shaking her head, just once, and storming from the room.

--

Snape glared down at the boys who he had cornered in the Slytherin common room before hissing darkly, "Believe me when I say that you do not wish to speak rudely to Professor Evans again. Have I made myself abundantly clear on this point?"

Two of them nodded, virtually cowering in fear but the third, spin straight, ventured craftily, "But professor- she's only a mudblood-"

And instantly regretted it as Snape took a menacing step toward him, and the boy flinched as Snape hissed, "You will NEVER utter that word in my presence again," before sweeping from the dungeon.

--

Snape carefully kept his gaze fixed straight ahead as Lily took her place next to him at breakfast the next morning, not anticipating that she would talk to him, especially after the debacle that was his effort to reach out to her yesterday- he really must learn not to give into his weaker impulses-

"Good morning, Severus," she said quietly, stunning him before he managed to near-sputter back,

"G-good morning, Lily."

"I apologize for my behavior," she said stiffly, somewhat relieved that he seemed determined to just continue to look straight ahead as it prevented her from feeling more awkward than necessary. "Not just yesterday, but in general. I know that- I think that- you mean well."

He was silent, not knowing what to say, but she took his silence as ambivalence and turned away, sighing as she began to pick at her food.

--

Much later Snape roamed the hallways of the castle, cursing what seemed to be his perpetual inability to sleep even when, given his current situation, slep was the only time he didn't need to be pretending in some way to someone-

He was lost in his thoughts as he turned the corner and therefore shocked to bump into a warm body nearly a whole head shorter than him.

"Lily," he blurted in surprise, somewhat relieved to see she looked as stunned as he felt before she ventured a small but sincere smile, causing his body to feel somehow warmer.

"What're you doing out so late, Sev," she began, adding "erus," awkwardly half a second too late and he grimaced slightly at her seeming determination to address him by his full name, especially when he knew it was of his making before he shrugged.

"Walking," he offered cryptically his own eyes narrowing slightly as he demanded, "What are you doing?"

"Following you," she retorted archly before, unexpectedly, offering a teasing wink, and despite himself he blushed, remembering what a tease she was capable of being even without meaning to be, hoping she would take it no further-

But that small bit of banter seemed to have somehow exhausted her, and suddenly her face was drawn before she leaned against the wall, sliding downward until she was sitting, legs pulled upward, and Severus wavered uncertainly, confused about what she wanted him to do- leave her in peace or sit beside her, talk or listen or hold her hand-

And almost without his mind's consent he sat down next to her, saying more sharply than he intended, "It's late."

"And it's comforting to know you can still be counted on to state the obvious," she retorted, but not unkindly, before she turned to look at him, brow furrowing as her eyes searched his for something he couldn't comprehend. After a long moment she sighed, shaking her head. "I have to tell you the truth, Sev- I have no idea what to think of you," she said with another sigh, this one almost childlike, and he felt his own brow furrowing before, with a supreme effort, he stopped it, retorting blandly,

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well, really, you have a pretty sweet deal," Lily replied slowly, not exactly critically, but without any attempt to cushion her words as her eyes met his, searching them again as she shrugged. "I mean, sure, there is the rather major disadvantage of the fact that you might be killed at literally any moment, especially if Voldemort finds out what you're doing, but I mean, this is a war. Eventually one side wins, and you're pretty set either way, at least from where I'm sitting."

"Oh Lily," he breathed, cursing the fact that his mind seemed to have turned off as he replied softly, stunned by her casual words, struck by all that she didn't understand about what he was doing, how difficult it was, how isolated he'd been and why exactly he was able to endure it before he whispered somberly, "Believe that I'm not set either way."

She frowned slightly, but he knew he well enough to realize it wasn't a sign of displeasure but of confusion as she bit her lower lip before asking slowly, "What's he like to work with?"

"Who?" Severus questioned in genuine bewilderment and she flushed bright pink, seeming to waver before she answered firmly,

"Voldemort."

Severus shuddered, though whether from the use of the name of from painful memories neither was entirely sure. "I try not to think about it," he replied definitely, and she knew that portion of the conversation was over, didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed as she said, nearly emotionlessly,

"We didn't have our wands."

Severus looked at her quizzically but didn't speak, waiting for her to continue, alarmed as silent tears started to run unbidden down her cheeks and she whispered, voice slightly choked, "He just came in without any warning and we didn't have our wands. I was so stupid, I should have run for mine, or called for it, you know, a simple _Accio_, I could do a wandless _Accio_ when I was 13 but-" and Severus felt his stomach fall, knew suddenly that he didn't want her to continue even as he fully realized she was going to and she as she took a deep breath he could feel rather than see her shaking.

"I keep going over and over it in my head and I couldn't have saved James. It was just- it was just too quick, it was impossible to save James. But I- I should have been able to save my son. He was just a baby. Oh god," she choked, and Severus shifted uncomfortably as she started to sob in earnest, wishing he had any idea what to do, "I just- I just- he was my baby, it was my responsibility to protect him. I never- I trusted- I mean, he was our _secret keeper_, he was our best friend, how could I have thought- I- I _trusted-_"

And as she let out an anguished cry Severus awkwardly put an arm around her, stunned when she leaned toward him instead of away, and he realized suddenly that this was the first time in years that had happened- and that the last time it had she was also involved-

"I would tell you to trust no one," he said softly as her sobs began to subside even as she didn't seem to be able to stop shaking, "but that wouldn't help. We all do, and we can only have faith and hope that our trust will be rewarded. But we- we have all chosen wrongly at least once. It's not a mark of weakness, but rather of strength- that after such a thing happens we can still go on to trust again-"

"And what if we can't?" she asked blankly, and he frowned slightly, hating how formal and stuffy he suspected he had just sounded before saying simply,

"Lily, you already have."

--

_Hi everyone! First of all thank you to all the lovely people who commented on the previous chapters. You guys make me so happy, you have no idea._

_I am leaving for Germany later tonight; it will likely be a while before I update again. I am sorry, but there is really no way around it. I __**will**__ be updating while I am there but it will be more sporadic. I encourage you guys to add this story to your Story Alerts list if you're enjoying it to better keep track of it once I'm there._

_I know I promised Sirius and Peter in this chapter; I originally intended for more to happen here, but Sev and Lily are moving at their own pace, not mine, and so that subplot is going to be explored instead in the next two or three chapters, as will more Sev/Lily goodness and Neville Longbottom's role in all this._

_Reviews and comments are treasured very much- it will make me ecstatic to open my email in Germany and see them; I will probably even scare the people in the internet cafes with my happiness. If you have any suggestions about where you would like to see this go, please also feel free to leave them!_

_Finally, I am in search of a beta- if anyone would like to volunteer I would love you forever._

_Thanks everyone! You are all so great!_


	4. Veritaserum

"So," Lily said almost casually after nearly a week of silence that had felt more like ten years to Severus, as for the whole agonizing week he had felt like both nothing and like everything had changed-

She had dropped her indifferent demeanor toward him but somehow managed to do so without actually saying a word, instead simply catching his eye and smirking whenever someone else said something excessively stupid, smiling at him just a little more warmly than she did at others when they passed in the halls- but still, inexplicably, she remained silent. He had contemplated the possibility that she was waiting for him to speak first but he somehow found himself totally lacking the confidence to begin-

And so he nearly jumped as she said the single word and slid into her now regular seat at the faculty table before turning to face him, smiling almost mischievously. He nodded curtly back, and, grateful as he was that she was talking to him, he couldn't shake the feeling that she wanted something- and badly.

"Can I help you?" he inquired, sounding distant and unapproachable even to himself, and he hated himself for that, despised that what he knew was a necessity in other areas of his life was hurting his interactions with lily-

But she just looked at him with something resembling amusement before saying teasingly, "I guess we'll see."

He waited for her to continue, not believing she would leave it at that, unable to account for her odd mood, especially when she was always melancholy at breakfast-

But it quickly became clear to him that however long he might wait she wouldn't be continuing now as she began to pick at her food, and he was almost relieved that despite her inexplicable mood she still seemed to have no appetite. He reluctantly turned back to his eggs before swivelling back toward her despite himself and near-growling, "Might it not be wise of you to share with me what 'we'll see' about?"

To his surprise she let out something that sounded remarkably like a snort before scoffing, "Ask a favor of Severus Snape before he's eaten? You really must think I'm an idiot," and nonchalantly continuing to sip her juice.

He felt simultaneous defiance and amusement warring within him, but as she cheekily arched an eyebrow he decided not to over think it as he forced himself to eat some toast, wondering if she really was such a fool as to think he would deny her something it was within his power to give-

And remembered with a sinking heart that he had given her ample cause to believe just that-

But as he risked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye, saw her biting the very corner of her lip in the same way she used to when the were children and she thought she might be in trouble he sighed, turning back toward her and trying his best to force a friendly, approachable expression onto his face, feeling like he had when he was still 8 years old and trying so hard to figure out how to best approach her-

"Just tell me," he sighed, knowing the words sounded long-suffering and for half a second he was almost amused by himself- by what he had come to. "You must be aware that chances of my saying no are slim to none-"

She looked at him as though she doubted that before blurting, "Dumbledore-might-have-said-you're-teaching-your-6th-years-how-to-make-Veritaserum-today," before adding in a rush, 'And I sort of wondered if maybe I could come watch." 

"Watch?" He echoed, arching a skeptical eyebrow. "If I didn't know better I would think you were after my job-"

"No," she said shortly, clearly unsure whether he was teasing her or not. "I've no desire to teach potions, but in order to become an Auror I wrote my final paper on Veritaserum. I think maybe- I mean I feel like-"

"I never denied you were more naturally talented at potions than I," Severus said shortly as her brow furrowed slightly in confusion. "You probably have more magic inside you than anyone I've ever seen, including-"

"Whatever," she cut him off shortly, clearly not in the mood for… something, though what exactly Severus wasn't sure. "I expected you to say no-"

"It would be an honor to have you come instruct my class on the subtleties of Veritaserum," he said abruptly, not giving her time to respond before he stood up and stalked from the Dining Hall, not seeing the warm gratitude on her face.

--

Severus didn't know quite how to feel as students who were ambivalent and almost cold toward him looked at Lily in something resembling awe as they filed far more slowly than usual out of his classroom; a classroom that under normal circumstances they always seemed eager to leave, even those most gifted in Potions-

"I suppose it's lucky you don't want my job," he stiffly attempted to joke and to his surprise she flushed, muttering something he didn't quite catch about how she was sure he was far better than her under normal circumstances, then, louder, "Anyway, I have no idea what I'm doing-"

"No,' he disagreed sharply before adding firmly, "Anyone can see you're a brilliant teacher-"

"I was a better Auror," she said shortly, the dejected look that had so often been on her face in the past week returning as she seemed to realize the day was over before she seemed to shake her head, almost willing herself to be happy as she said, "Why do you keep it so dark down here, Sev?"

"Perhaps it's escaped your notice, Lily, but this is a dungeon," he fired back almost sarcastically, instantly wishing he hadn't as he feared it would hurt her feelings-

But to his surprise she merely let out a laugh before shaking her head. "Just like it's escaped your notice, Sev, that only about a third of the torches down here are lit?"

"The darkness suits me," he snapped without thinking and her brow furrowed before from nowhere he felt a gentle hand on his arm, and he fought the immediate instinct to pull away as she whispered, with more certainty than he had heard from her since they were teenagers,

"Oh Severus, the darkness doesn't suit you at all. It never did."

And as she took a small, almost hesitant step toward him he felt the shell he kept up around himself beginning to crumble as he began heavily, "Lily, I-" before the dark mark burned hot against his arm, summoning him- and he pulled roughly away from her, remembering who he was, he situation he was in, the fact that her very life depended on his remaining strong before snapping,

"I need to go."

She frowned, looking confused and hurt as she blurted, "But- I kind of hoped that-"

"Hope is futile," he barked, not turning away quickly enough to avoid seeing her face crumple at his words before he stormed out of the dungeon.

---

_Hey guys! Thanks so much for the lovely reviews, they make me so happy! This is sort of a short chapter but the next one is about half written and very long and exciting ____ Sorry too that this update was so long in coming- another should with any luck be up tomorrow._

_Germany is nice but truthfully I am sort of lonely, which is definitely a petty thing to complain about :-P I hope you all are doing well and reviews will truly make my day even if they are bad- I am less certain about this chapter than the others so I'd love to know what people think!_

_-Kate_


	5. Understanding

"So _then_," Lily continued, and Albus flinched slightly as her voice rose in volume, "He actually _says_ to me, 'Lily, you were always more gifted in potions than I'" she mimicked, lowering her voice into a dead-on impression of Severus and Dumbledore halfheartedly attempted to stifle a smile before he forced himself to say somberly,

"I can understand how that would be very trying," with the slightest twinkle in his eye, a twinkle which served to further enrage her as she sputtered, 

"You- you're COMPLETELY missing the point! He was- he was making it into a competition, just like he always did, and then-"

"Did he always?" Albus enquired mildly, but at her look of indignation merely sighed. "And am I to infer from this outburst, then, that he didn't allow you to participate in his lecture about Veritaserum-"

And to his surprise Lily looked slightly guilty, face growing pinker as she admitted softly, "No, he did."

Albus nodded slightly, as though this was what he had expected all along, and for a split second Lily suspected that he had planned for this all to happen- that he had told her about the day's potions lesson KNOWING this would be the ultimate conclusion-

"Well then," Albus continued gently before she could fully explore the notion, "I'm afraid I don't quite understand-"

And to her surprise Lily felt a tear trickle down her cheek, anger suddenly gone as she continued, much more softly, "That's just it, Albus, there WASN'T a problem. The class went really well… they're obviously scared to death of him but," and she bit back a sharp and unexpected giggle before she finished with a shrug, "so am I half the time-"

"Are you, Lily?" Albus enquired softly, pressing his fingers together lightly as he regarded her with an intensity she couldn't understand before she replied slowly,

"I'm not. But I don't trust him. I don't- I _can't_ understand how certain you seem that he's on our side. I really- I just don't know." She frowned slightly before she said with a self-deprecating shrug, "And I suppose I'm very, very used to thinking that I know, even when I don't." Her eyes filled with tears as she lifted them to meet his. "I guess I've been pretty stupid, though, really. And I don't want to be wrong again. If I- If I hadn't been wrong than maybe James- maybe _Harry-"_

"These things are pointless to think of, though I know that won't stop your thinking," Albus replied, genuine tenderness in his expression before he shrugged himself, admitting softly, "There are times recently when I too doubt the true extent of Severus's loyalty. I can hardly fault you, then, for feeling the same."

"But?" Lily enquired after a pause, something resembling hope in her voice, though for what exactly neither was sure.

"I'm not certain there is a 'but', Lily," the older man replied honestly before smiling almost playfully at her. "But I am certain of one thing- Severus is on YOUR side. It is imperative that you use your influence to-"

"My influence?" Lily scoffed disbelievingly before letting out a bitter laugh. "Albus, what part of this do you NOT understand? I _have_ no influence! Just when I thought I might be getting somewhere with him- just when I was about to actually open up to him again he went running out of there like I'd stabbed him, simpering off to Voldemort and his-"

"Need I remind you, Lillian, that every time Severus leaves this castle he risks his life?" Dumbledore enquired mildly, but reproach was clear in his voice and Lily flushed once more.

"No," she replied, casting her eyes downward, and Albus sighed slightly before offering,

"To the… unbiased… eye, it might appear that the reason you're so upset is that you believe Severus has scorned your attempts at friendship, but you must believe me when I say, Lily, that there is nothing he more desires-"

"No- he- he made it clear there is no hope," she insisted weakly, uncertain as Albus merely shook his head.

"Well then, Lily, much as I realize that this is a large thing to ask of you at such a trying time in your life- perhaps it's time that you gave him some."

--

"Crucio," Voldemort said with casual cruelty and Severus felt the Wizard's attempts to probe his mind even as he lay writhing on the floor, experiencing pain greater than he would have imagined existed for the third time that night-

Lily's face popped unbidden to his mind and he fought to suppress it, knowing he must not let Voldemort see what he was thinking-

And then suddenly Voldemort stopped the curse before turning toward the darkly gorgeous woman at his side. As though from very far away Severus heard him say, "It seems you were wrong, Bellatrix. There is undoubtedly a traitor in our midst but it isn't Severus."

"But- I was so sure-" Severus heard her hiss. "Are you- I would never question my Lord's judgment but- are you certain?"

"Yes," Voldemort barked definitively, clearly bored with the whole situation as he turned away. "Even in the height of torture he thinks only of that mudblood bitch he begged me to spare. Hardly noble, but not the thoughts of an informant against me. Might I suggest that you direct your zealous efforts to bring me the traitor elsewhere, Bellatrix, and not waste any more of my valuable time with pointless inquiries." He turned lazily back to where Severus still lay gasping on the floor, saying with almost unnatural calm, "Severus, that will be all. You have my permission to return to Hogwarts and continue your efforts there."

"My lord is- gracious-" Severus choked out as he tried to stagger to his feet and managed instead to drag himself to the fireplace where he could use the floo network to take himself back to the Hogwarts dungeons.

--

Severus felt himself fall hard onto the dungeon floor and briefly debated with himself over the pros and cons of not making the effort to move, just laying there until his first class came in and pretending he'd accidentally blown up a cauldron-

"Severus?" he heard a small voice ask from somewhere above him and closed his eyes tightly, willing himself to stop hallucinating even if it was a common side effect of the Cruciatus Curse-

But then he heard it again, much louder and much more frantic as footsteps rushed toward him. "Severus? Oh my GOD Severus, say something!"

"Lily?" he questioned, forcing his eyes open and feeling more than seeing her kneel next to him, surprised as she asked urgently, voice shaking,

"Who did this to you?"

As a long moment went by in silence she placed a gentle hand on his back and at the contact he flinched, forcing himself to stand and leaning heavily on the nearest table for support as he said far more weakly than he meant to, "That is none of your concern," attempting to sound cold and knowing that despite his best efforts he only sounded weak- that weakness was not something he could afford to show her-

"The hell it's not," she snapped in something resembling fury before wringing her hands, gasping as he swayed slightly before she demanded, "What are you doing? Have you totally lost it? For god's sakes Sev, sit down!"

"I assure you. I. Am. Fine." he bit out with difficulty, only to feel her pushing him down onto a stool with strength he wouldn't have guessed she possessed. He experienced a feeling of sharp and inexplicable defiance before attempting to stand again, instantly thwarted by her shoving him sharply downward once more as she snapped, with what he knew her well enough to know was concern and fear that she was trying- only half successfully- to channel into anger-

"Are you _insane_? What are you trying to _do_?"

"In case you haven't noticed, _Lily,_" Severus attempted to hiss, knowing from the concern that she couldn't hide on her face that he was failing miserably, "It's well after midnight, which I believe is commonly regarded as an appropriate bedtime-"

"You seem to think there's a lot I don't notice," she said snapped back before her brow furrowed anxiously and she repeated, with far less urgency and yet far more determination than before, "Who did this to you?"

And she let out an exasperated sigh as, despite his weakened state, Severus managed to give her a withering glance that spoke louder than words.

"Fine then" she retorted sharply after a moment, eyes flashing, though with what exactly Severus wasn't sure. "At least tell me WHAT they did to you."

"To what end?" he enquired, a trace of suspicion in his voice, and was taken aback when she fired back angrily,

"So that I can _do_ something about it, you _idiot_! It may have slipped your mind given your severely weakened state, but I AM a witch. I don't suppose it occurred to you that maybe I could help you-"

"I can help myself," he retorted flatly, dragging himself to his feet, more surprised than he should have been when those emerald eyes flashed again and she shoved him roughly back into a sitting position, saying in a slightly sarcastic voice that allowed no room for argument,

"Of course you can, but LUCKILY ENOUGH, I'm here, making that unnecessary. Now either you can tell me what they did to you or you can sit here while I shove random healing potions down your throat, I don't really care, but you are MISTAKEN if you think I am leaving you here like this."

Their eyes warred for a long moment before he sighed, unable to deny the truth of her words. "Cruciatus," he said simply, not elaborating, and her brow furrowed briefly in confusion before comprehension dawned and she asked in a small, incredulous voice,

"They _crucioed _you? How many times?"

He shrugged, not allowing himself to show her any emotion, any weakness- "Three. Perhaps Four-"

"Okay," she said in an almost detached way that he knew, instinctively, was the calm before the storm. "I- you just rest for a minute, I'll be right there."

He watched her with some doubt as she quickly threw ingredients seemingly indiscriminately into a cauldron before handing him a general healing potion that he had made some weeks ago, saying simply, "This will help in the meantime."

An impossibly short while later Lily was handing him another draught, and despite himself his nose wrinkled at the putrid odor.

"Drink it," she said roughly as he hesitated, and taking a deep breath he did so, surprised when it tasted like strawberries, even more astounded when he felt instantaneously better.

"Good," she said shortly with a nod before turning away from him, and for a moment Severus was sure she was going to leave him in peace, felt simultaneous relief and anguish at the thought-

But then, without any warning whatsoever she was turning back toward him, and he was overwhelmed by the dozens of conflicting emotions flashing across her face as she questioned near-hysterically, "Why did you just let him- _Voldemort-"_ she spat as though he might need clarification about who she was talking about- "do this to you?" and Severus fought to make sense of her rapidly shifting emotions as he tried unsuccessfully to formulate a sufficient answer-.

"I had little choice," he finally retorted emotionlessly, and for a single moment her whole body seemed to deflate before her eyes flashed and she slapped him hard across the face, crying out,

"Why don't you understand? I can't lose anyone else! How dare you let him Crucio you nearly to death? How dare you sit here now like you don't even care? I just- Severus, I can't lose anyone else!"

And to his horror she was suddenly crying, causing his stomach to clench uncomfortably as he wondered what to do- and without realizing he was going to say it he muttered coldly,

"I doubt that I would be a great loss to anyone."

She flinched at the words, but to his relief her tears halted as she gazed at him disbelievingly before sputtering indignantly, "_How_ can you say that to me? My god, Severus, are you really that stupid? There wasn't a single day that I didn't think about you. Just because- just because- I mean-" she flushed, visibly struggling with herself for a long moment though exactly why Severus wasn't sure before she continued softly, voice suddenly sad,

"Do you have any idea how much I cried that day- both after when you called me- what you called me- and then- and then after, when I sent you away? Do you have any idea how much I cried when I was addressing invitations to my wedding and I couldn't address one to you? How much I cried to James that night? You were my _best friend. _And James said- he told me-"

And to Severus's horror silent tears trickled down her cheeks and she seemed unable to continue for a long moment before drawing herself up to her full height and saying almost scornfully,

"Maybe 8 years of friendship didn't mean anything to you, but they meant something to _me_. YOU mean something to me. And I might not mean anything to you but I- I _cannot_ lose anyone else Sev- and that includes you. Don't you EVER say to me that it doesn't. I KNOW that it does."

For several long, slightly tense moments Severus looked at her in silence and she finally sighed in something resembling frustration, turning away as she swatted at the air with one hand as though she were shooing a fly away before saying softly, "Figures," though what exactly was supposed to 'figure' Severus was unsure-

And then she was walking from the room, head cast slightly downward, and Severus suddenly knew that, regardless of the consequences, he couldn't just let her leave like that-

"It meant something to me too," he said softly, and for a long moment he feared he had spoken too softly, that she hadn't heard him-

But she stopped dead in her tracks, her whole body trembling with emotions that he couldn't identify before she turned around and searched his eyes for a long, long moment before saying softly, "Sev, I talked to Albus for a long time tonight-"

"As seems to be a recent theme in your life," he retorted with a slightly sarcastic arch of an eyebrow and she frowned slightly before shrugging.

"So what if it is? Who else do I have to talk to?" she inquired softly, almost imploringly, and he felt something resembling shame at his words but was at a loss for how to express it, and after a moment she just sighed before continuing,

"I went for a walk after I talked to him and I was trying to figure out why- why certain things upset me as much as they did- and the thing is- all these years it's been about moral principle to me." She paused to shrug uncertainly before adding softly, "Maybe it still should be, I don't know. I don't agree with the way you think, I probably never will. I don't agree with your decisions, I probably never will. I really- I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for some of the things you said to me. But it's two am, we're in the middle of a war, in case you haven't noticed it's a pretty sure bet we're all going to be dead by the end of the year, my husband and my son are dead already, and regardless of principles or the moral high ground all it really comes down to is I miss my friend. I've missed my friend ever since I told him we needed to go our separate ways, what, seven years ago now? And that's what I've been waiting down here to tell you." She flushed slightly before saying rapidly, "I know you're mad at me, I'm mad at you too, but-"

"I'm not mad at you," he said so softly he wasn't sure she would hear him, but as he risked a glance at her face out of the corner of his eye he knew there could be no doubt that she had-

"Yeah," she said after an excruciatingly long moment, voice breaking on what might have been a sob. "The truth is I'm not mad at you either." She shook her head, looking aghast before saying, "So I guess the real question is why do we keep doing this to each other."

He met her eyes, shaking his head briefly before admitting in a choked voice. "I don't know."

"I want my friend back," she continued softly, and his heart twisted at how painfully young she sounded, suddenly, as she asked something that would have sounded ridiculous, almost pathetic under normal circumstances- "Can I have my friend back?"

"I- don't think it can ever be the same as it was," he retorted heavily after a long moment, "but- I want you to know that you never lost him, Lily."

He felt helpless and useless as a single tear trickled down her face, but somehow she smiled widely at him before near-whispering, "Thank you."

She stepped forward and for one agonizing and beautiful moment Severus thought she was going to hug him-

But suddenly she stepped back, smile fading slightly before she nodded warmly, just once, and turned toward the door.

"Good night, Severus."

"Good Night Lily."

Wellll this story is a nightmare in that I have a very definite idea in my head about where I want it to go and am going, but Severus and Lily are sort of taking forever to get there. Sigh.

_I hope that you all are still enjoying it; reviews and feedback (even bad) are as always treasured and make me very happy :-) Please let me know what you think; I really do want to know and it means more than you realiye._

_Thanks to everyone who HAS reviewed- seriously, you guys are so great._

_Next chapter we are finally getting to Sirius as I promised forever ago hehe, and also more Sev/Lily quasi angsty interaction, though things between them now are, I think, on an upswing :-)_


	6. Howler

Chapter 6

Lily breezed into the dining hall, as always precisely eight minutes late, and shot Severus a warm smile that he hesitantly returned.

"How are you feeling?" she questioned as she sat, her eyes were unable to hide her concern as he answered firmly,

"Better, thank you."

She nodded, opening her mouth as though she wanted to say something else before closing it and flushing slightly, offering a small but sincere, "I'm glad."

Severus looked quickly away from her, trying to escape from the millions of conflicting thoughts that she continually caused to run through his head-

And frowned slightly as he noted Dumbledore watching he and Lily intently, as though a great deal might depend upon their interaction-

"I know," Lily whispered as though she could read his thoughts, and, although she was looking straight ahead, Severus had no doubt that she was completely aware of Dumbledore's gaze- "It's sort of unnerving how he keeps looking at us like we're his two prize racehorses or something, isn't it?"

Severus struggled to determine how best to answer her before deciding to ask what he really wanted to know, what, despite his best efforts, he couldn't _quite_ place his finger on-

"Why do you think he's doing it?"

She turned to face him before shrugging uncertainly. " Haven't quite figured it out yet, but I think it's probably due to some half-formed, crazy scheme in his mind about how you and I are going to, like, defeat Voldemort together or something, I don't know. I'm pretty sure he intends for us to work together somehow but I just can't figure out-" 

"How that would be possible," he finished for her, and her brow furrowed slightly as she lowered her voice further, leaning slightly toward him.

"Truthfully, Sev, he keeps telling me stuff that- that doesn't make any sense about how you- I mean, about how you-" she flushed slightly and he frowned, wondering what Albus might be revealing… before two letters suddenly dropped in front of Lily, one steaming angrily, and the majority of the faculty covered their ears just before Remus Lupin's normally placid voice exploded into the room.

"LILLIAN ISABELLA EVANS POTTER" the missive boomed, "JUST GOOD OLD DEPENDABLE REMUS HERE. PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER ME? YOUR HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND AND ONE OF YOURS AS WELL; FORMER SCHOOL AND HOUSEMATE; SOMETIMES KNOWN AS MOONY? I REALIZE THAT YOU'VE BEEN VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT RUNNING FROM THE DARK LORD AND, EVIDENTLY, TEACHING TRANSFIGURATION, AND _FAR_ BE IT FROM ME TO MAKE LIGHT OF THE CURRENT TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES OR PRESUME TOO MUCH. _HOWEVER_," the Howler continued to bellow angrily, " ONE MIGHT HAVE _HOPED_ THAT IT WOLD HAVE _OCCURRED_ TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES _OUTSIDE _HOGWARTS WHO HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALMOST _TWO WEEKS_ FOR WORD FROM YOU CONFIRMING THAT YOU ARE AT LEAST _ALIVE _AND _SAFE_, AND HOPEFULLY IN AS GOOD OF SPIRITS AS CIRCUMSTANCE ALLOW. WERE IT NOT FOR DUMBLEDORE WE WOULD HAVE NO IDEA THAT YOU WEREN'T _DEAD_. I AM AWARE THAT OTHER THINGS ARE ON YOUR MIND BUT _KINDLY_ HAVE THE DECENCY TO WRITE TO ME _AS SOON AS POSSIBLE_. I WOULD COME TO HOGWARTS MYSELF IF MY CURRENT DUTIES ALLOWED FOR IT."

Lily blinked furiously as the Howler burst into flames and she reached quickly for the letter, also from Remus, opening it with shaking fingers and frowning slightly as several dozen inches of very, very small handwriting were exposed.

"Excuse me, I'd like to read this in private," she said tonelessly, not waiting for any response as she got up and glided as though in shock from the room.

--

Severus blinked in confusion hours later as he heard a rather loud knock on the door of his chambers in the dungeon, wondering who could possibly be seeking him out after midnight-

With slight apprehension he threw a robe over his head before shutting the door to his bedroom and stepping into the small living room, preparing himself for the worst as he swung open the door-

And saw only a very agitated looking Lily, her arm raised as though she were about to bang on the entrance again. His first instinct was concern, but she seemed physically fine, and unable to think of another reason why she might be seeking him out he blurted awkwardly,

"Uh- hello. Is there something Albus requires of me or-" 

"Albus?" she asked blankly, and as her eyes met his for the first time he realized suddenly how upset she really was- that she'd been crying-

"Are you- can I be of assistance to you in any way?" he asked stiffly, clenching his fists at his sides as he fought a ridiculous and unacceptable to reach out a hand to her, hating how unsure he felt--

"I- I mean, I don't know," she said, pacing on the stair leading up to his rooms and shaking her head as though realizing the ridiculousness of the situation before asking simply, "Can't I come in?"

"I- am not used to having guests-" he began reluctantly, feeling as though he should bang his head against something as her face fell and he hurriedly stepped aside, hoping this would remedy the situation-

She looked at him almost mistrustfully before entering, and he felt shame at how sparsely decorated, downright ugly the room must seem to her-

But to his surprise she brightened, looking at the room with something resembling awe.

"My god, Sev, did you make all these potions yourself?" she enquired, seeming to have forgotten whatever was bothering her as she took a step toward the large shelves covering one entire wall, tentatively grabbing a bottle at random, eyebrows lifting as she said uncertainly, "I've never heard of this one-"

"That's because I invented it," he replied shortly before grabbing it out of her hand and replacing it on the shelf, ignoring or not seeing the perplexed expression that flickered across her face at his unwillingness to take more credit for his work- "but that's not why you're here."

"No," she said, the slightly impressed look on her face being replaced by one of unhappiness as she turned toward him. "It's not why I'm here."

After a pause that even he found awkward Severus sighed, making what he hoped was an encouraging motion with his hand. "And you _are_ here because…"

She frowned slightly, shaking her head, before she abruptly burst out, "It just doesn't make any SENSE, Sev," beginning to pace back and forth once more, more agitated than he could ever remember seeing her.

"Er- no," he agreed uncertainly, hoping she would elaborate and rewarded when a moment later she ran a hand through her hair, confessing quickly,

"Honestly Sev I didn't teach any of my classes today. I just sat by a window and read Remus's letter over and over again-"

"And it didn't make sense?" he provided when she halted again, expelling a frustrated breath as she shook her head.

"No; no, the letter was fine- better than fine, really- I didn't even realize how much I wanted to know what was going on-" she hesitated briefly before finishing lamely, "outside-"

He sighed heavily at her obvious indecision, saying softly, "You're mistaken if you think I expect you to tell me what he said Lily-"

"But I am going to tell you part of it, though," she fired back quickly, sounding slightly nervous. "And I just- I don't want you to think I'm crazy."

"I won't," he said flatly, feeling an unexpected pang of hurt when she looked unconvinced before she said, biting her lip,

"I really couldn't take it if you thought I was crazy Sev. You're the only person here other than Albus who doesn't look at me like you're scared I'm about to lose it about half the time- even _I _think I'm about to lose it about half the time-"

"Lily," he interrupted her shortly, gesturing toward the couch, "I assure you. Questioning your sanity had never crossed my mind. Would you- would you like to sit?"

She shook her head, trembling slightly, though whether from cold or fear or frustration he wasn't certain- and he hated that he had no idea what to do-

"I just- I just keep thinking about it, over and over. I was fixated for so long on why I- why I couldn't stop him from killing James and Harry that I completely forgot to think about why he didn't kill _me_. And it just- Remus pointed it out to me, and he's right- it just doesn't make any _sense_. Why would he kill James and leave me? It completely goes against everything he believes in and has ever done in the past. I mean," she continued near-desperately, suddenly taking a step toward him and grabbing onto his forearm so tightly it nearly hurt him, "I was the mudblood in the house, Sev. He should have just killed me, not told me to stand aside. If anything he should have said that to James, and then tried to convince James to join him. Obviously- I mean, obviously he thought he had to kill Harry, but… why spare me?"

Severus swallowed hard against an unexpected lump in his throat, averting his gaze as her fingernails dug into his arm. "I- don't know," he choked out, as she threw her hands up in frustration, letting out a cry of frustration.

"Me either, Sev. It's not possible that he's going to try to recruit me, and it's not possible that my life was valuable to him for it's own sake so- _why?_ Remus seems to think the only explanation is that I'm in terrible danger, since he- Voldemort, I mean- wants something from me that he couldn't get then but will be trying to get as soon as possible now, after which he'll probably kill me too- maybe- maybe information about the Order, but why wouldn't he just try to get that from someone else? Plenty of people know as much as I do- more, now that I've been here for two weeks- I just- I just know I'm missing something, but _what?_"

She looked up at his face for he first time since she started talking, and her brow furrowed at the inexplicably tortured look she saw there-

"What?" she asked quickly, scrutinizing his face closely. "You- my God, Sev, what are you thinking? Do you- do you think I should be scared? Do you think Remus is right? Do you think I'm crazy after all?"

And at his continued silence she grabbed his arm frantically again, all but imploring, "My God, Sev, PLEASE say something-"

"I don't think you're crazy," he choked out dully, hoping she couldn't sense the guilt that was overpowering him as he slowly continued, "But I think you'll feel better once you've slept-"

"But- Sev!" she exclaimed in something resembling alarm as he turned away from her, feeling as though his emotions would crush him, wishing he could just be honest with her and knowing that must never, never happen- that she would hate him if she knew- even suspected- "You know Voldemort better than anyone that I know and- I mean- I know you'll tell me the truth, why would he do this? Do you- do you have any idea-"

"I'm sorry," he said tonelessly, clenching his fists uselessly at his sides for the second time in under an hour even as he couldn't bring himself to look at her. "I don't."

Time stood still as he felt her gaze boring into his back before she let out a sigh, saying softly, "Well, could you please keep thinking about it? Because I _am_ determined to figure it out, Sev. I _have_ to figure it out. He's not going to surprise me again. I'm going to be ready- I WILL figure it out," she repeated, determination in her voice before he choked out

"I- will give it thought."

"Thank you," she whispered before he heard her slip from the room.

--

Severus felt slight apprehension when Lily failed to appear at breakfast the following morning and he stalked out of the dining hall twenty minutes before his first class was scheduled to start, hoping to assure himself that she was alright. He knocked on the door to her chambers without success and decided to take a longer path than was strictly necessary to reach the dungeons, hoping against hope that he might run into her-

And rewarded as he passed the room where her classes were held and saw her talking softly to a pair of extremely animated first years-

As though she could sense his gaze her eyes flashed toward the doorway as he jumped backwards and into the shadows, quickly striding toward the dungeon without a backward glance, unaware that she continued to look at the doorway with a puzzled, slightly disappointed expression on her face for several seconds after he had gone.

--

Severus looked up as a small rap sounded on the door to the potions classroom minutes after he had dismissed his final class for the day, somehow not as surprised as he felt he should be to see Lily standing there, a hurt and slightly angry look on her face.

"Why'd you run away earlier for?" she blurted without preamble, and despite himself he flushed, feigning a sudden, desperate interest in alphabetizing potions as he muttered unconvincingly,

"I'm sure I have no idea what-'

"Don't you, Sev?" she questioned a bit sharply and he felt a brief flash of discomfort even as he remained silent. "Honestly," she continued in something resembling disgust as it became apparent he wasn't going to reply, "if you insist on obeying Albus's orders to keep track of me I don't suppose I can stop you, but at least have the decency to say hello to me when you're peeking into my classroom instead of pretending that you weren't even there-"

"Albus hasn't ordered me-" he blurted without thinking, flinching as the statement caused her to roll her eyes in exasperation.

"So you're telling me that you're stalking me of your own accord?" she demanded incredulously, shaking her head. "That's ridiculous. If you want to see me come and see me but this whole creeping around in dark corners thing stops now, are we clear?"

"Clear," he responded softly after an excruciating moment, surprised when she let out a warm smile at the single word, sliding onto a stool.

"Good then,' the chirped casually, before looking around the room and enquiring mildly, "So- what're you up to?"

"I-" he began slowly, almost unable to comprehend how simple she always made things, the ease with which she forgave- "I'm just tidying up, as evidently my students can't be bothered to do so for themselves."

And to his surprise Lily let out a warm laugh. "Oh, really Sev, on a day like today? Who can blame them for wanting to rush outside? I can't remember the last time it was this warm in November-"

"Nor can I," he admitted after a moment before scrutinizing her closely, saying keenly, "So tell me, then, Lily, why aren't you outside?"

"Why aren't you?" she fired back at once, but the smile on her face didn't reach her eyes and he sharply regretted whatever impulse had prompted him to ask the question in the first place as her eyes were suddenly haunted- and all at once he knew why she wasn't outside, that she was trying without success to escape inside herself- that almost everything about the castle must remind her of James, of what she'd lost- just as it had served as a constant reminder of her for him in the long months before she arrived- that it must be putting a constant strain on her to not just collapse on the floor- and that much as he might wish to deny it she must be thinking of her husband, of her son, at nearly every moment-

And just as Lily shot him a half-hearted smile, breaking his chain of thought, Dumbledore burst loudly through the door.

"Severus we must go at once," he all but commanded, taking little notice of Lily before she ventured an uncertain,

"Albus? What's happening?"

"The Order has finally caught up with Sirius Black and stand ready to capture him," Dumbledore barked quickly. "There's no time to waste. Severus, it's imperative that you come with me- I have reason to suspect that Voldemort is on his way with several of his Death Eaters and-"

As if on cue Severus felt the familiar burning on his arm, summoning him, at the same instant that Lily laughed incredulously before asking in real confusion,

"What are you talking about?" as Dumbledore looked impatient and Severus rapidly grabbed his wand. "Why on Earth would anyone want to capture Sirius?"

And to Severus's alarm, Dumbledore, who had always seemed so confident, was gazing at Lily with what could only be described as total uncertainty.

"Lillian, I certainly realize this has been a trying time for you," he said gently, hesitating, "but it was Sirius who revealed your family's location to Voldemort and allowed him to-"

Lily's baffled expression cleared instantly, which came as a relief to Severus before a wild desperation came over her face instead and she sputtered, "But- but no- Albus, it was Peter Pettigrew. I- it didn't occur to me to mention it because I- I sort of assumed that in the aftermath it was one of those things everyone found out. I- I had no idea they were searching for Sirius, Remus didn't say- I mean- Sirius hasn't even occurred to me, my mind has been- has been-"

"Are you certain?" Dumbledore enquired shortly, a sort of desperation in his own voice and Lily let out a short, almost hysterical laugh.

"Certain? For God's sakes, Albus, I was there in the room as James whispered the location in his ear. I bought him a _drink _afterwards. Of COURSE I'm certain."

"Severus we must go immediately," Dumbledore said brusquely, all but ignoring Lily before suddenly turning back to her. "I must ask your forgiveness, child- in my misguided efforts to protect you it seems there are things I've neglected to say to you that I should have mentioned weeks ago-"

"Do NOT call me child!" Lily snapped, voice shaking, and Severus was stunned by the fact that, with all that had just been revealed, that one word was what she would choose to focus on-

But Albus seemed unsurprised as he requested mildly, "Forgive me," shooting her a sincerely apologetic look even as sailed out the door, closely followed by Severus and- Lily. Dumbledore's brow furrowed slightly as he realized she was following, and he turned back toward her again, saying in a tone that was gentle but allowed for no argument, "You are to stay here, Lillian."

"No," she replied, eyes flashing dangerously as she drew her wand, and Severus took a small step backward, suddenly afraid that she might begin a duel right there with the older man- "Sirius is in trouble, and I'm the only person alive who can clear his name." There was a small pause during which her and Albus's eyes seemed to war with one another before she positively, thundered, "I am an _**AUROR**_,' with vehemence Severus had lost hope of ever seeing from her again-"You're both _MAD_ if you think I'm going to just stay here and-"

And Severus was shocked as Dumbledore said clearly, "Petrify," leaving Lily frozen in mid-sentence. He wavered for a moment, but only for a moment, as Albus said firmly, "Severus, we must go. She will understand later that it was for her own protection," and with one last uncertain and guilty look at Lily Severus followed him.

--

_Hi everyone! Sorry this was a while in coming. I am actually leaving to spend the weekend in Paris tomorrow morning but I was totally unable to go without finishing and posting this chapter :-P I hope you are all still enjoying and you can expect more soon (I really hope!)_

_I am very interested in what everyone thinks… I am currently correcting some minor errors that were pointed out to me in the last chapter and hope the pace/flow are alright, as well as the characterizations_

_Thanks SO much for reading!_

_-Kate_


	7. Revelations

Severus cringed as a poorly aimed curse whizzed past his ear and a trashcan somewhere to his left exploded loudly. He whirled around to face his would-be attacker and was surprised to see Lucius Malfoy shrugging in an awkward parody of an apology before turning his attention to Frank Longbottom, apparently his intended target-

A scream- probably from a muggle- sounded somewhere behind them, and Severus allowed himself to contemplate, just for a moment, the total mayhem that had erupted on the normal looking London square- it seemed that every single member of the Order had shown up, and more Death Eaters were apperating at every instant, although the Dark Lord himself was thus far nowhere to be seen-

And all this over a man who, as far as Severus could determine, wasn't even present. Feeling Lucius's gaze land on him once more, he directed his attention toward Emmeline Vance-

But before he was able to utter a curse Sirius Black had apperated directly in front of him, unnoticed by anyone else amid the chaos. Recognition briefly lit Black's face as he gazed at Severus before he lifted his wand, murder clear in his eyes, and Snape raised his own, accepting the fact that one or both of them was about to die-

But to his surprise Black merely growled, "Where is he, Snivellus?"

"I'm sure I don't know who-" Severus began slowly before being cut off by Sirius snarling,

"Pettigrew," as though the name was a curse.

"Ah," Severus sniffed, affecting an air of bored indifference before gesturing vaguely to the left, and without another word Black stormed in the direction he had indicated, wand raised dangerously.

Despite himself Severus craned his neck in an attempt to see what Black intended to do, rewarded as Pettigrew's eyes widened in fear before he seemed, through a great force of effort, to burst into tears, sobbing loudly enough that Severus could clearly hear him over the crowd,

"Sirius, how could you- James and Harry- your own godson Harry- poor Lily-"

"What's this about Lily?" a female voice sounded suddenly, harshly, from somewhere to the left, and Severus's head snapped back in disbelief as Lily herself began to slowly, with deliberateness that he could hardly fathom, walk toward the two men. As she pushed her way through the crowd Severus was stunned as not only the members of the Order, but also the Death Eaters themselves seemed to rapidly lose interest in the battle as the scene began to unfold before them-

"L-Lily!" Peter sputtered, face pale, as Lily squared her shoulders, stopping less than ten feet away from him, and Sirius reluctantly stepped backwards as though to acknowledge that this was her battle to fight. "H-how wonderful to see you-"

"Is it, Peter?" she demanded, voice colder than ice, and Peter's eyes widened in fear as she raised her wand. Before anything further could be said or done he had dropped to his knees, simpering in terror,

"Please Lily- don't kill me- you know I loved James- loved Harry like he was my own nephew- he, he made me do it-"

"Somehow I have a hard time believing that a two year old made you do anything," Lily snapped with cruel sarcasm before enquiring, voice deceptively mild, "Or were you referring to someone else?"

"You- you know who I mean," Peter choked out, looking around frantically as though for someone who might protect him even as Lily looked down at him in disgust, hissing,

"Oh get up, you _coward."_

"Please-please don't hurt me," Peter begged, sobbing in earnest now as he struggled to continue. "You- you don't know how it was- he was going to kill me- James would show mercy, he was going to kill me-"

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE **DIED,** AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU," Sirius bellowed, suddenly stepping forward again, wand pointed toward Peter's head as he continued angrily, " As JAMES would have done for you-"

"I told you to GET UP and defend yourself," Lily snapped, voice dangerously low before she bit out, " I will NOT tell you again."

With difficulty Peter dragged himself to his feet, arm shaking as he weakly aimed his wand in Lily's direction, but her own arm was steady as she hissed, "You _disgust_ me. I want you to explain to me why you did this and why-"

"Lily I was scared," he blurted frantically, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I was-"

"_Sectumsempra!" _Llily hissed cruelly as several people gasped in surprise and Severus wondered how she had even managed to learn that curse, for the first time fully understanding why Albus had been so determined to stop her from coming here- that he hadn't prevented her because of what might happen to her, but because of what she might do-

But before the curse was even out of her mouth Peter seemed to have vanished-

And within seconds had reappeared as Sirius roared a Homorphus Charm and Dumbledore bellowed "ENOUGH!" stepping forward and with one silent and definitive motion of his wand causing Peter to be bound and blindfolded as Minerva McGonagall muttered an anti-disapperation jinx as everyone else seemed dumbfounded by the whole situation before Peter moaned,

"Why are you doing this to me? Why not blame the man who told the Dark Lord it was Harry to begin with? It was Severus Snape who told him to kill Harry! It was Severus Snape who told him to come find me-"

"Stop it!" Lily screamed desperately, her enitre body shaking as Severus felt as though someone had forcibly ripped out his lungs and stuffed them into his throat. Dumbledore began to utter a silencing charm, but it was clearly too late as Peter continued, evidently really too stupid to know when he had gone far enough,

"It was him who told The Dark Lord the Prophesy. It's his fault that James is dead! It's his fault that Harry-"

And suddenly Lily had raised her wand again and was screaming in a shaky, nearly hystarical voice, "Avada-"

But no one could ever be sure whether she had finished the curse as Albus, Minerva, and Sirius simultaneously bellowed "_Protego Horribilis_!" and Pettigrew seemed to faint dead away, but most definitely continue breathing. Dumbledore slowly turned to face Lily, regarding her with unspeakable disappointment even as she continued to tremble-

"What do you think you are doing?" he inquired in anguish. "You not only come here against my express wishes, but you proceed to attempt to perform two of the darkest spells ever known to the Wizarding world? What are you thinking of, Lillian? Do you think this is how James would expect you to-"

"James is _dead_, he _killed_ him, it _wasn't _Voldemort, Peter killed him, he _killed_ him, he _killed _Harry, and now he's lying about Severus, _why_ is he lying about Severus?" Lily cried out brokenly, wildly, tears streaming down her cheeks-

And then suddenly The Dark Lord's voice sounded from somewhere behind them as he snarled bitingly, "And is this what my _most loyal_ supporters do when I send them here with orders to capture Albus Dumbledore? Stand there looking at him as though it's a night out to the theatre?"

And remarkably Lily had ceased her sobbing and was stepping forward to face him, shoulders squared as she snarled, "You will only take him over my dead body."

"I have lost patience with you, girl," Voldemort said in an almost bored voice before his eyes flashed toward her and he whispered darkly, "You will NOT live to defy me again-" and before Severus could even realize what was happening Lily was fighting Bellatrix, Albus was fighting the Dark Lord himself, and everyone else seemed to be returning to their original state of total disarray-

--

Lily tried to refocus herself as Bellatrix blew her a kiss before unexpectedly disapperating- which, Lily knew, was the closest the woman would ever come to admitting defeat in a battle-

As she looked around Lily was surprised to see that the majority of the actual fighting that had been raging ten minutes before had ceased, and she reluctantly joined the semi-circle that were intently focused on Albus and Lord Voldemort as they mercilessly attacked one another. To Lily's relief Albus seemed to be slowly gaining the advantage, sending a blaze of pink light toward the younger man-

And then, out of the corner of her eye Lily saw Severus, standing slightly away from the group, looking uncertain, though why exactly that might be she couldn't tell… and as she stared at him everything that she had tried to forget while dueling Bellatrix remerged in a flash- Peter's words, her own actions-

And then she saw Severus chance a glance in her direction, eyes briefly conveying guilt that he couldn't conceal, and she suddenly felt as though she had been punched in the gut as despite herself she lost interest in what Albus was doing, unable to do anything but walk with a heavy heart toward Severus.

To her chagrin he tired to pretend not to see her coming, but she determinedly stopped directly in front of him, legs shaking more than she would have liked even as she lifted her chin, forcing him to meet her eyes.

"Was it true?" she asked, trying to keep her voice emotionless and hating that it was shaking, knowing there could be no doubt in his mind as to what she was talking about, and as she saw agony flash across his face before he could disguise it she felt as though her legs were collapsing from under her, and managed only with an extreme force of will to remain upright.

"Yes," he replied after an endless moment, casting his eyes down, and for long seconds, Lily couldn't think- couldn't even breathe as she wished she had something, anything to grab onto-

She continued to stare at him for a long, long moment, not quite able to believe that he wouldn't have some further explanation- wouldn't try to offer it- but as he continued to avert his gaze, the only sign of emotion his fists clenched tightly at his sides as her knees continued to tremble she felt sudden, sharp loathing, an almost unbearable desire to curse him-

But even as she reached for her wand she knew that, despite herself, she would be unable to, and so with a supreme force of will she squared her shoulders and forced herself to walk away from him, glad for her sudden inability to feel anything at all, hardly registering Voldemort dropping to his knees before hissing, "It is not over," before disapperating. With his departure the remaining Death Eaters looked at one another uncertainly before quickly beginning to disapperate as well, Severus among them, and Lily felt dizzy with the anti-climactic nature of it all as members of the Order and Ministry seemed to remember Peter and rushed over to collect his body, nodding to Sirius as they did so, clearly having grasped the situation, his innocence-

And as Alice Longbottom began to approach her Lily suddenly knew that she couldn't take anymore and she too quickly disapperated.

--

Albus knocked hesitantly on Lily's door in the Castle hours later, somewhat surprised when she actually answered, uttering a weak,

"Who is it?"

"Albus," he replied gently. "May I come in?"

The door swung quickly open, and just as quickly shut again once he had entered the room. A single lamp was lit, casting the solitary figure on the bed in shadows- shadows that couldn't hide the fact that her face was tearstained, her eyes bloodshot, that she had probably spent hours crying-

"I wanted to personally inform you that Peter Pettigrew is being held at Azkaban pending trail for his- for his misdeeds," he said heavily, taking a few tentative steps closer to her before adding, "Sirius is in the castle now- I don't believe he'll bother you tonight, but he is eager to talk to you-"

To his surprise she seemed to scoff slightly before she fired back, "I imagine he does. Where was he right after- right after Voldemort attacked us? How could he have been so stupid as to have not contacted me- my _god_, Albus, do you realize that the whole reason he probably went on the run was some bizarre and misguided longing for adventure-"

"I don't think it was as simple as that, Lily," the older man replied somberly. "But there's something else we must discuss-"

"I don't want to talk about Severus," she interrupted firmly, but a sole tear trickled down her cheek, belying her words even as she amended halfheartedly, "Unless he's in Azkaban too- that I wouldn't mind hearing."

"Wouldn't you, Lily?" he asked softly and with perception that would have amazed her if she'd been capable of thinking about it before she said dully,

"What does it matter? I've told you I don't want to discuss Severus-"

"I'm afraid, Lily, that we must discuss Severus, " he said heavily. "I can only imagine what you must be thinking about what Peter said-"

She arched an eyebrow before saying in a slightly exasperated voice, "But somehow I think you're about to tell me exactly what you believe I've been thinking, Albus," before crossing her arms in front of her and shooting him a look that might almost have been a glare if she didn't also look so inconsolable-

"To the contrary, Lily," he replied slowly. "I fear I'm about to do something far more offensive- tell you what I think you SHOULD be thinking."

She scoffed, rolling her eyes but making no attempt to stop him as he came to sit next to her on the bed, making sure that he had her attention before saying seriously,

"The situation is in fact far more complex than Peter conveyed- indeed, far more complex than he could dream. Though it is true that Severus delivered the prophesy that led Voldemort to your family, you must believe that when he did so he had no idea who it was about, nor of how it would affect-"

"Yeah, I know that this will probably surprise you, but I figured that out already," she interrupted him abruptly, almost sarcastically, but he knew that the sarcasm was only a misguided attempt to mask her pain as she continued, "I am pretty intelligent, you know, and I've had four or five hours to think it over. Obviously he was just following orders and they went wrong. I understand that- it wasn't personal. And I- I even believe that, if he had realized it involved me, he wouldn't have done it, though I'm not as sure about that."

"Be sure about that, Lily," Albus interjected mildly, but with great conviction, and a single tear trailed down her cheek as she continued,

"So what if I am? I've been thinking about it and thinking about it, and no matter how I try to think about it two things are always true, and not even you can talk your way out of them. He DID give Voldemort the prophecy and that IS why my family is dead. Can you tell me that's not true?"

Albus shook hi head, just once, and she nodded bleakly, another tear escaping from her as she shook her head before continuing, "Even assuming- even KNOWING that he had no idea the prophecy was about me- Albus, he knew it was about someone. He knew that a child would die. I don't see how it really matters whether the child was mine or someone else's. I mean, of course it matters very much to _me_," she amended with a self-deprecating grimace, "But it would have mattered just as much to any other mother. Maybe even more to some. He knew what he was doing. In some ways the fact that he only cared when he knew it was about me is worse-"

"Worse?" questioned Albus keenly. "It never occurred to me, Lillian, that the confirmation of the fact that Severus is capable of deeply caring for someone might make his character seem _worse-_ though it may be worse for you, since it puts you in a difficult position, just as it used to when he was calling your friends mudbloods but not you," Albus observed intensely, eyes sharp as she let out a strangled cry before biting out,

"He DID call me that name, Albus. And it did NOT put me in a difficult position when-"

"But it did, Lillian," he said, sounding almost sad, "and you are _wrong _if you think I don't understand that. It must have almost been a relief to you when he finally called you mudblood too."

"No," she protested weakly, unconvincingly, and he looked at her gravely before saying,

"Lillian, you are the most talented witch of your generation and one of the most intelligent people who I have ever met, but you still have much to learn about shades of gray-"

"Don't shades of gray me when my child is dead," she near bellowed and he held up his hands in something resembling surrender before saying,

"I would think that after contemplating your own actions today you would have a better grasp of the delicate line between anger and darkness- between sorrow and evil-"

"And so I should feel sorry for Severus in his struggle?" she bit out sarcastically. "He didn't come to warn me once he realized the prophecy was about Harry. He didn't-"

"He came to warn ME," Albus interrupted, voice steely as her mouth snapped shut and her eyes widened slightly before he continued, "Did you think I had some prophetic dream that told me you needed to go into hiding? Severus told me. He joined the order in exchange for my help. He BEGGED Voldemort for your very life, which is the only reason you are still sitting here-"

"He- he," she sputtered disbelievingly before letting out a near wail, throwing herself onto the pillows almost like a petulant child before moaning, "He should have let me die-"

"Should have he, Lily?" he asked in the same maddeningly perceptive way that he had earlier and she took a deep breath, forcing herself to sit up before she said slowly,

"I am- I will try to be- appreciative. I- I do realize, somewhere, that he did all that he could. But- I can never fully forgive him Albus. Like I said earlier, he knew the prophecy was about someone's son. He understood-"

"Indeed Lily, I am not at all sure that he understood what would happen," Dumbledore cut her off quietly. "I think Severus was really much more innocent when he joined Voldemort than you realize-"

"No, I realize," she said after a long, long moment, face suddenly distant, and he wondered what she was remembering before she said slowly, with an unsuccessful attempt at sarcasm, "Was that all? Because I'm not nearly done with my crying for the night-"

"No, Lily, it was not all," he said slowly, almost reluctantly, and her face went somber at his tone as she bit her lip nervously, nodding at him to continue. "Surely it did not escape you that this afternoon Voldemort made a very definite threat on your life-"

"What else is new?" she snapped, voice far stronger and he looked downward, seeming almost embarrassed before saying softly,

"This was a very specific threat Lily, and will have very specific consequences unless immediate action is taken-"

"I'm not afraid," she insisted, meeting his eyes, and he was briefly astounded by the quiet and resolute courage he saw there- in that moment she looked more like the girl she'd been on her wedding day than he had ever hoped to see her again- and at the thought he sighed deeply, regretfully, before continuing,

"Well, I'm not ashamed to admit, Lily, that _I_ am very afraid. The Order cannot afford to lose you, and if I know Tom Riddle at all he will want to make good on his promise to end your life as soon as possible. It's imperative that you have more protection than even I can currently offer you-"

Her eyes filled with tears and her jaw shook slightly as she whispered, "Albus, I don't want to go back into hiding-"

"I am not suggesting that you go back into hiding, Lily," he said matter of factly, pausing before he continued quickly, "I have though over the options extensively since this afternoon, and I am suggesting- most strongly- that you marry Severus."

--

_Hi everyone! As always thanks for reading!_

_I actually wrote this chapter once, and then it got accidentally deleted, which was traumatizing but I hope the chapter hasn't suffered too much for it :-P_

_In response to a review that I got last time, I have NOT forgotten about Neville's role in this at all, and though I know I have been a bit dialogue heavy I will try to be delving into character's emotions more in future chapters._

_Also in response to a question, the reason Severus didn't want to tell Lily he had asked Voldemort to spare her life was that he then would have needed to reveal how h e had known her life might need to be saved- I am sorry if that wasn't clear._

_Reviews are very, very appreciated and make me happier than you can realize. I got far fewer reviews of the last chapter than of previous ones and I hope this doesn't mean people have lost interest/ are no longer reading… and if that is the case I would like to know what I can improve on :-P Thanks and I hope everyone is having an awesome week!_


	8. Banana Cream Pies

Lily gaped at Albus in something resembling horror before her face cleared and the room filled with uneasy laughter.

"Don't do that to me, Albus," she reprimanded sharply, "I actually thought you were-"

But as her eyes met his her laughter halted abruptly, face going stricken. "You- you _are_ serious," she gasped after a painful moment, and Albus braced himself for an outburst that didn't come as she regarded him intently, and he could see the conflicting thoughts rushing across her face even as she continued her unnatural silence.

"I have given it extensive thought; I see no other way," he said after a suitably long pause, voice apologetic, even sorrowful, but allowing no room for argument. "Everything indicates that Voldemort believes Severus to be both his mist loyal and his most valuable supporter, second only, perhaps, to Bellatrix. With Severus's official, legally binding protection, there would be no chance of Tom Riddle doing any harm to your person, particularly not if you were to have children-"

At the word _children_ Lily let out a strangled noise before tilting her head to the side, enquiring flatly, "And if I _would_ rather die?"

"Then I would ask you to consider what it might be possible to do for the Order, with access to Voldemort's innermost circle. I would ask you to think of the information you could obtain as a spy. I would ask you to contemplate what James would have wished-"

"James would NOT have wanted me to marry Severus!" Lily snapped angrily, eyes flashing sharply at the mention of her husband's name, and Dumbledore expelled a heavy breath before putting a firm hand on her shoulder.

"I think that you will find, upon further consideration, that James would not only have wanted you to marry Severus, but that he would have divorced you himself and _forced_ you to marry Severus if he had truly believed it to be your best chance of survival. Petty past grudges would have meant nothing to him in the face of your life-"

"Petty past-" she began incredulously before shaking her head emphatically and standing up, throwing his hand off her shoulder and turning to face him. "Albus this is MADDNESS-"

"Is it, Lily?" he inquired sharply, rising as his eyes bored into hers. "I will admit it's not a plan without faults- in some ways it will make things twice as dangerous for you as they already are, several hundred times more dangerous for Severus- should either of you be found out the other will certainly die-"

"Stop TALKING about it now, I told you NO-" Lily snapped, unable to hide the agony in her voice, and Dumbledore looked down at her regretfully, frowning slightly before saying softly,

"I'll leave you now, Lillian. I _implore_ you to carefully consider what I've said and what you feel you must do, given the circumstances."

She didn't answer him, but a solitary tear fell down her cheek as he walked from the room.

--

Lily swung open the door to her chambers at dawn the next morning, hair spilling around her shoulders in wild curls even as she nodded calmly to a surprised looking Albus, whose arm was raised as though he had been about to knock.

"I've been waiting for you," she said without preamble by way of an explanation, gesturing for him to step inside and feeling sudden, silent agony as the movement caused her wedding band to reflect the early morning light spilling in through the window.

"Have you slept at all, Lily?" he inquired, mild reproach in his voice, and she shot him a withering glance, silently questioning his sanity before hissing,

"No, Albus. I most certainly have NOT slept at all."

"I'll come back once you've had time to rest," he said shortly, turning to leave and stopped by her voice saying softly, but with firmness that rivaled his own,

"That's not necessary."

Without her consent her eyes darted towards her wedding band again, and though she had never been one to toy with it she suddenly found herself unable to do anything but twist it senselessly around her finger, feeling a sharp, desperate longing to see James's face- to wake up and find this had all been a nightmare and Harry was crying in the next room-

"Lily?" Albus's voice cut through her thoughts, more gentle than she had ever heard it and she dragged her eyes away from her hand and upward to meet his as she said, voice much stronger than she expected it would be,

"I agree to your plan. It- it's obvious that far more lives than just my own are at sake, and- and that James," she continued, voice breaking slightly on his name before she continued with quiet, reluctant certainly, "James would have told me to stop being so difficult and do what you said. I will be a spy. I will, in the IMPOSSIBLE event that he agrees to your plan, marry Severus-"

"He's already agreed to my 'plan'," Albus said shortly as her mouth snapped shut and her mouth formed a surprised 'o' even as he looked at her slightly critically, saying softly, "I fear you grossly underestimate how deeply Severus appreciated your kindness to him- how much he continues to-"

"Severus does not-" Lily began, voice angry but laced with uncertainty that she couldn't hide before being cut off by Albus.

"I think that in years to come you will be glad of your decision-"

"Oh spare me your prophetic gems of wisdom," she spat, voice much more certain as he held up his hands in something resembling surrender before saying mildly,

"Forgive me. I trust I may bring Severus here now? There is much we must discuss-"

"Whatever," Lily responded hollowly, bite suddenly gone from her voice as she shrugged vacantly. "Bring whoever you want here, it doesn't matter anymore-"

"How many times must I impress upon you, Lily, that it matters very much?" he fired back, more frustrated than she could ever remember seeing him as he gazed at her meaningfully for a long moment, though what exactly he hoped to impart she couldn't pinpoint. "Wait here. I will return at once." 

--

Severus blinked as he entered Lily's chambers, translucent red curtains that framed the windows thrown back to allow the blinding early morning light to stream in almost as though it were mocking him- almost as though _she_ were mocking him-

But as she turned from where she had been looking out the window, emerald eyes meeting his, he say no mockery there- only sadness, and somewhere underneath, crushing disappointment. He swallowed awkwardly, hating how uncertain he suddenly felt- he had come prepared to deal with her anger, but despite his best efforts he had never learned how to handle her sadness-

He forced his gaze away from the haunting eyes that seemed, at least for the moment, to have lost their trademark sparkle, making his heart constrict more painfully than if she had tried to curse him- than if she had tried to kill him-

And as he took in her appearance he found himself struggling to suppress something between a gasp and a moan at how simultaneously ravishing and destroyed she managed to look. Her hair was falling in loose crimson tendrils over her muggle sundress, tresses completely free and untamed for the first time that he could remember since they were children, sharply offset by her creamy skin, the glittering bright green eyes, the black of the dress that, despite how striking it made her appear, would never really suit her-

But before he could carry the thought to completion, further examining her recent refusal to wear any other color, she was talking a single step toward him and gesturing toward a comfortable looking couch, saying with an attempt at a smile that looked more like a grimace,

"Please sit," immaculate politeness in her voice, but no warmth.

He fought the urge to throw himself at her feet and beg her forgiveness, looking toward Albus so that he wouldn't be forced to continue to meet those eyes that seemed to look through him. Albus, too, however, simply gestured toward the couch and Severus reluctantly went toward it, able to tell even without sitting that it was far too plush for his liking-

But as her eyes caught his once more all thoughts of the couch vanished from his mind and he wished desperately that he had been able to sleep- able to think of any way to beg her to understand-

With a heavy and silent sigh, Severus sat.

--

Despite everything she had endured due to the man sitting in front of her during the past 24 hours Lily had to fight hard to suppress a small smile as Severus struggled without success to sit up straight as the plush cushions pulled him downward-

But the grin that had begun to light her eyes faded as she remembered sharply, painfully why they were there- and as she allowed herself to regard Severus more seriously, really looking at him for the first time since he had entered the room, she fought confusion she didn't bother to hide, head tilted slightly in an unspoken question that he either didn't see or resolutely ignored as he tossed throw pillows away form himself. Despite what were clearly his best efforts to appear stoic he looked almost as wrecked as she'd been feeling herself, though why exactly that might be she wasn't certain- his face was splotchy and his eyes were rimmed with dark circles that contrasted sharply with the paleness of his skin, For one crazy moment Lily found herself wondering whether he had slept, either- if it was possible that he, too, had been crying- and her brow furrowed with concern that she was unable to suppress before she remembered who she was contemplating- what he had done- and almost laughed at her own stupidity before saying in a falsely cheerful, bitingly sarcastic tone, "Well, Albus, it doesn't look like our favorite death eater is thrilled with your plan either-"

"We have no time for this," Albus frowned, and Lily's mouth snapped shut at the genuine anger in his voice before he continued, "You WILL be civil."

There was a pained pause during which the headmaster and Lily glared at one another before she turned to Severus with an exaggerated sigh, voice nonetheless sincere as she stated, "I apologize," not quite able to meet his eyes.

"You have no need to apologize to me," he responded after a beat, hands balling at his sides for reasons she couldn't understand, his voice gravely, and once again she had the uneasy feeling that he'd been crying, though she couldn't quite figure out why- Severus didn't cry- in all the years she had known him she had never seen him cry-

"We all know why we are here," Albus said briefly. "Lillian, Severus and I have discussed the mater in hand at length-"

"Have you?" she inquired sharply as she dragged her perplexed gaze from Severus's face to Albus's infuriatingly calm one, going silent as he shot her a pointed look. After a moment she sighed, directing her attention back to Severus and suddenly unable to suppress a slightly amused smirk at the ridiculousness of the situation, hating her perpetual inability to remain _truly_ furious with anyone when they were sitting right in front of her- a character flaw of hers that Albus had doubtless counted on-

" I don't see how there's really so much to discuss," she pressed on as the silence extended and she rolled her eyes in a parody of boredom that she was far from feeling before melodramatically dropping to her knees, suddenly feeling like she and Severus were playing some bizarre game back at Spinner's end before it hit her coldly that there could be no happy ending here-

Nonetheless she continued with the charade, declaring melodramatically, almost breathlessly, some of the familiar twinkle returning to her eyes, "Marry me, Severus! I'm quite fabulous at summoning charms and can make a wonderful banana cream pie-"

"Enough!" Dumbledore thundered even as the barest hint of a smile tweaked at the outermost corners of Severus's mouth and he arched an eyebrow at her antics. Despite her better judgment Lily felt a sudden, strong camaraderie with him and ventured the merest sliver of a wink before directing her attention to Dumbledore, trying to look remorseful even as she struggled to prevent the corners of her own mouth from twitching into a smile . "Lillian, I am ASHAMED of you. Would it really be too much to ask of you that you be silent and allow Severus to explain the gravity of the situation?"

"Oh Albus," she retorted, voice suddenly tired as she shook her head, pulling herself to her feet as all traces of a smile faded from her face, "I may not know the particulars, but _believe _me when I say that I _fully_ understand the gravity of the situation." She sighed, looking at Severus again, both disappointed and relieved to find that the momentary hint of a smile had vanished from his own face and he was looking stubbornly downward, having evidently given up his fight against her throw pillows. "I guess you had better explain, Severus," she said, sinking down on the opposite side of the couch and looking at him expectantly, slightly perturbed when he continued his silence, deliberately not meeting her eyes.

--

Severus felt his stomach churn slightly as Lily used his full name, registering in some distant, corner of his mind that it showed just how much she hadn't forgiven him- would probably never forgive him, even if she was able to joke about banana cream pies- and he felt his heart constrict before he began slowly, stubbornly avoiding her eyes in a desperate effort to avoid saying anything about his true feelings- anything he was bound to later regret once he had seen her reaction-

"I have told Albus that I am WILLING to marry you. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that I CAN."

Lily's brow furrowed as seven or eight equally unlikely possibilities raced through her head, beginning with Severus having a wife secretly locked in an attic somewhere and ending with his hypothetical, secret and tortured love for Bellatrix Lestrange- and she felt an inexplicable pang that she didn't have time to analyze shoot through her before she suddenly smirked, unable to think of another reason for his inability to marry her- his unwillingness, perhaps, but not his inability-

"Severus- I-" she said, trying hard not to choke on something that felt suspiciously like laughter as she attempted to say sincerely, "I DO understand if your feelings are otherwise engaged-"

And to her amazement it seemed that Severus Snape, the boy who she had never heard profess to have so much as a crush on anyone, was actually _blushing_ before he met her eyes for the merest sliver of a second, longing that she didn't understand in them before he looked frantically away, sounding almost wretched as he sputtered, "No- I mean- I mean no-"

She gazed at his contemplatively, forcing herself to quench the teasing light in her eyes, to remember that they weren't friends who could tease one another about members of the opposite sex anymore and bringing her mind back to the task at hand. Resisting the urge to question his words and instead shaking her head in confusion she continued, "Then what-"

"The Dark Lord's followers are not permitted to marry where they like," Severus began ominously, suddenly sounding much more like the hardened man he had become, and with the shift in his tone Lily felt something shift inside her as well before he continued, looking pointedly downward, "I will need to ask his permission to marry you and with circumstances being- as they are," he practically spat, hating the possibility that she would think his anger and frustration were at her and not at the situation- that he could think of no way to assure her she was wrong- "chances of his giving that permission seem slim."

Lily blinked in real confusion, all but forgetting Albus's presence as she leaned slightly toward Severus, all but willing him to look at her, disappointed, though not surprised, when that failed to happen.

"He's going to be really angry," Lily mused aloud after a moment, biting her lip even as Severus emitted a brief,

"Obviously."

"And there's almost no chance that he'll agree."

"None," Severus deadpanned, the slightest hint of irritation in his voice as her brow furrowed slightly and she twirled a strand of hair distractedly around her finger.

"And you're still willing to ask."

"Evidently," he snapped, though she knew, somehow, that the irritation was not at her, not really, as she tilted her head slightly, demanding keenly,

"_Why?_"

And if it had been anyone else in the world Lily would have sworn that he was blushing again as he continued to gaze downward, apparently resolved not to even acknowledge that she had spoken.

As though from nowhere, however, the only logical answer to the whole mess occurred to her and she rapidly pushed herself off the couch, tripping gracelessly over her own two feet as she said softly, the bitterness in her tone unable to mask the sorrow underneath,

"Are you really feeling _that_ guilty that my son is dead? Because if so let me just say-"

"That will do," Albus said mildly, but his tone as usual brooked no room for argument as he moved in front of the unlikely couple. "May I assume that you grasp the situation, Lily?"

She dragged her gaze from Severus, who was still looking maddeningly away from her, before nodding resentfully. "Yes."

"I have already discussed with Severus what he must do. His success depends largely on Voldemort's whims and is best not dwelt on now. Your own task, unfortunately, is somewhat harder, as your friends, and the whole of the Order, must believe that you have utterly taken leave of your senses, fallen in love with Severus, and joined Voldemort's ranks-"

"I would never-" Lily began in something resembling outrage, stunned as Albus snapped harshly,

"Of COURSE you would never! And this is why, Lillian, you are going to have to quickly and convincingly build the biggest deception of your life-

"Impossible," Lily began in something resembling distress, cut off by Albus's keen,

"You may have a better head start than you believe, Lily. You and Severus do sit by one another at meals. You HAVE visited his classroom. You DID attempt to cast the killing curse on Peter just after he had insulted Severus-"

"That was NOT about," Lily began to hiss just as a loud banging sounded on the door, causing her to jump slightly before Sirius Black's voice resounded loudly,

"Lily Evans Potter! Let a fellow in!"

Despite herself Lily felt something akin to panic as Dumbledore hissed meaningfully, "EVERYONE must be convinced, Lily," and she took three slightly shaky steps forward to open the door-

And found herself lifted off the floor and nearly squeezed to death by a somewhat overly enthused Sirius, who murmured warmly, "God, Lily, SO good to see you," before grasping her, if such a thing was possible, even tighter.

"You too, Sirius, but you can stop squeezing me to death now," she said good naturedly after a moment, and smiled as he set her down with a rueful grin.

"Sorry," he apologized gruffly, "It's just-"

Lily flinched as he gazed over her shoulder and his eyes went hard before he demanded, a little louder than necessary, "What the hell is Dumbledore doing here with Snivellus?"

Lily swallowed hard, calling on all her Auror training in deception to try to make her smile seem genuine before she murmured, voice miraculously sounding much more confident than she felt,

"Sirius, I have to tell you something- and I hope you'll understand-" she said, voice faltering as she realized there was literally no chance of that before forcing herself to go on. "It's just- Severus has been such a good friend to me and- I realized that-"

"Friend?" Sirius asked blankly, mercifully sparing her the need to continue as he blinked very fast, looking between her, Severus, and Albus as though he feared one or all of them had been placed under an Impirius curse. "Lily, I know how upset you must have been- must STILL be- but you DO realize that Severus is a DEATH EATER? A BAD guy? Working WITH Voldemort? Delivering PROPHESIES to him? HOW can you call him a friend after-"

"I- I hope you'll understand, Sirius," Lily said, unable to meet his eyes and instead feigning an intense interest in smiling at Severus before she grabbed his hand, hoping his look of surprise wouldn't give them away before she blurted, "The truth is, Sirius, Sev and I are dating."

--

_Hey everyone! Thanks so much for reading and to everyone who has left such lovely reviews… they are, as always, treasured :-) I fear this was a bit of a boring chapter but things are about to speed up hardcore… next chapter will feature a wedding, and that is all I am saying about that ;-)_

_Hope you all enjoyed, you guys are amazing!_


	9. Shudder

For a moment Sirius looked confused, and then he burst out laughing, sputtering glibly, "Yeah, Lil, I can see how you'd be irresistibly drawn to him by his- by his dashing good looks," before shaking his head with something resembling respect on his features. "Honestly, James always said you had more Marauder in you than I realized but _this_- for a minute you really had me going-"

"I'm not joking, Sirius," Lily said flatly, fighting not to choke on the words as she moved defiantly closer to Severus, whose hand was really much warmer than she had expected it to be, before continuing cuttingly, "Some of us actually realize that in looking for potential life partners there's more to consider than how badly you want to sleep with someone, but thanks all the same for your consistently stellar romantic advice."

Sirius's smile faded as he looked between her, Severus, and Dumbledore with suspicion, before sputtering, much differently this time, "Potential _life_- Lily, what the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"What the hell are _you_ talking about?" she fired back instinctually, doing her best to sound angry instead of just confused about what point she was hoping to make.

"What the hell do you mean, what the hell am _I-_" Sirius began before pacing the length of the room, seeming to decide that this line of conversation was getting them nowhere before he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I think it's fairly obvious what I'm talking about," he finally hissed. "James died less than 3 weeks ago and you expect to just stand there and tell me you're dating- and not just _dating_, but dating _Snivellus_- and that I'll be CALM about it? I must repeat: what the hell are _you_ thinking?"

Lily gulped slightly, but didn't answer him, automatically grasping Severus's hand tighter in an unsuccessful effort to block out Sirius's words. After a long moment, evidently realizing that Lily was neither joking nor intending to offer further details Sirius's face fell and for a second she feared that the ever-optimistic prankster was going to burst into tears as he demanded loudly, less eloquent than she had ever heard him,

"How can you do this to James? James really loved you! Do you even care that this would devastate him? Did you even care about him at all or where you just after his money? If you- if you had died James would never have dated anyone ever again," he declared melodramatically, voice catching on his best friends name, and Lily shook her head in something that might almost have been disbelief, thinking that if there was one thing she could never have faulted Sirius on, it was his blind loyalty to his friends- "He- he would have died still loving you," Sirius continued, looking truly miserable. "There would never have been another girl for him-"

"Sirius," Lily interrupted him softly, taking a small step forward and extracting her hand from Severus's, either not noticing or not caring about his exhalation of a breath he seemed to have been holding as she did so, "Contrary to what you seem to think I _did_ love James, but there's no use kidding ourselves now that he's dead. James would have found someone else, and he _would_ have fallen just as passionately in love with her, because that was how James _was_. And I loved him for that. And I believe he would have understood-"

"Well _I_ don't understand," Sirius said, whole body shaking as he shook his head desperately before blurting, "I _will _owl Remus- he _will _come-"

"Come and do what?" Albus suddenly interjected, sounding tired. "I think if you were able to see past your own pain at James's death, Sirius, you would realize the truth of Lily's words- he would have wanted her to be happy, and he himself would have, after a time, searched for happiness-"

"Happiness?" Sirius echoed, looking nearly hysterical before repeating, sounding almost like a child, "Remus _will _come-"

"I somewhat doubt that," Albus said softly.

"Then you don't understand friendship," Sirius bit out before storming from the room.

--

The second the door slammed Lily's face seemed to collapse into itself before she asked bleakly, "What now?"

"I would imagine you will want to rest before dinner," Albus said with infuriating calm, nodding as he stepped from the room, leaving Lily to look uncomfortably at Severus for an endless moment. He was still deliberately avoiding her eyes and she bit back the impulse to scream at him to stop it before, instead, taking a tentative step toward him.

"Albus explained it all to me, I think," she said slowly, nervously biting down on her lower lip, relieved as he ventured a stoic,

"That was clear," though she was unable to deduce from his tone of voice whether he was being sarcastic or not.

Her brow furrowed slightly before she spat out, "Fine, _don't_ make this easy," before regret passed swiftly and unmistakably over her face and she continued, much more gently, "I didn't sleep at all last night Sever- Sev. I just kept thinking about- about everything that's gone on, and I don't want to fight with you anymore. I _am_ angry, but it's at the world more than at you. No matter how I think about it, life's not a guarantee, it's a luxury, and I'm wasting it being angry with people when- when it's easier to just try to be forgiv- well, anyway," she amended slowly, regretfully, "Understanding. This- this has not been me. So- I'm going to try to understand. And you're going to try not to do anything else reprehensible. And we're going to try to work together." Her brow furrowed slightly before she smirked. "And I'm going to try in the future not to sound quite so much like my mother. If that's all okay."

"Better than if you started sounding like your sister," he said in the same dry tone she'd grown to hate so much, but as his eyes flashed upward to meet hers they were filled with a teasing light, and somewhere underneath yearning that she didn't understand. As the words sank in Lily found herself laughing and he ventured a smile before quickly lowering his eyes once more, causing her giggles to come to an abrupt end as she queried,

"Well, I have to agree with you there, but- I mean, _is_ it okay?"

"I- yes-" he sputtered, sounding agonized for reasons she couldn't understand before continuing somberly, "I mean- I hadn't hoped-"

"Well, Sev, the thing is," she said slowly, leaning toward him almost conspiratorially and waiting until he dared a glance at her eyes, though she couldn't for the life of her pinpoint where his hesitation was coming from, "Despite what Albus seems to want us to believe and how I'm sure we both feel most of the time, we're only 21. I don't think hope is quite as dead as you think it is."

And before he could analyze the countless things she might have meant she shot him a teasing wink, casing him to ardently wish that she would stop doing that and that he could hold the image of her doing it in his head forever at once as she shot him a tentative smile and retreated into her bedroom, scarlet hair trailing behind her.

--

Lily forced herself to smile at Severus later that evening, hoping that she wasn't overdoing it, particularly as it wasn't like he was providing anything in the way of conversation that she might actually be able to smile about before she rolled her eyes, hoping no one had seen even as she hissed, ridiculous smile still fixed on her face,

"This would all probably be more convincing if people actually saw us talking to each other," before taking a defiant bite of dessert.

"How are they to know that you don't go for the strong, silent type?" he hissed back after a moment, and despite herself Lily felt her lips twitch upwards in the beginnings of a genuine smile at the statement as she arched an eyebrow.

"Actually I do," she purred, rewarded when he choked slightly on whatever he had been chewing before turning to glare at her.

"That isn't funny," he hissed even as she seemed to be fighting a losing battle not to laugh.

"Don't worry, Sev, I'll try to keep my undying attraction under control," she whispered teasingly and he hated that he couldn't tell whether she was joking or trying to be spiteful as she took another bite of tiramisu.

However, as he continued to contemplate he decided she was just trying to make the best of what must be, for her, a ghastly situation- that she would have no reason to suspect his feelings for her- might even believe she truly did disgust him- and he found himself unexpectedly smirking before arching a cool eyebrow.

"Likewise."

Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment before she found herself shooting him a smirk. "Glad to see that, despite evidence to the contrary, your sense of humor is still somewhat intact," she bantered, and again he was unsure as to the extent to which she was joking- confused by her seeming lack of animosity that couldn't be fully explained by the fact that they were in public- before Remus Lupin burst unceremoniously through the doors to the dining hall and Lily's went very, very still.

"Mooney!" Sirius cried in something between devastation and triumph, rising from where he had been seated at the Gryffindor table and all but leaping on Lupin, and Severus tensed as he realized there was almost assuredly going to be a scene before he began to quickly evaluate how he might be able to use that to his advantage-

But to his relief Lupin seemed far calmer than Black, and even before Sirius finished embracing him had held a hand up in something resembling sternness, saying softly, "Let's do try to be calm, Padfoot-"

"She- she hated James, she was only in it for the money," Sirius declared loudly and exaggeratedly, not seeming to have taken Lupin's not-so-subtle hint as a tear actually fell down his cheek. "She- she's dating Snivellus-"

"Which of course makes your theory about money seem altogether perfect, seeing as Severus has none," Lupin snapped to Severus's own shock before he shook his head in what seemed to be genuine disbelief, saying derisively, "Lily hate James- honestly Sirius, have you completely taken leave of your senses?"

"Have _I_-" Sirius began in disbelief before near bellowing, "I am obviously the only person here who has NOT completely taken leave of my senses. What part of _LILY_ is dating _SNIVELLUS_ do you not understand? She and he probably planned this all along-"

There was a rush of whispers erupting at all the tables in the dining hall, and Severus thought briefly that Black's antics might have worked to their advantage after all as at least now everyone would know that he and Lily were supposedly dating-

"Hey!" a small voice piped up from the Hufflepuff common table as a tiny first year stood up. "Don't talk mean about Professor Potter! Even if she is dating a scary man!"

Despite the gravity of the situation Lily choked back a laugh and caught Remus doing the same. Severus and Sirius's faces, however, only grew bleaker and the little girl, darting a glance at Snape, suddenly flushed bright red, her hair turning the same color as her face before she scrambled back to her seat and a seventh year hissed,

"Really now, Nymphadora-"

Remus's eyes fixated on the faculty table as he let out a warm chuckle, saying calmly, "I guess that tells us, doesn't it, Padfoot," before making his way toward Lily.

--

Lily flinched as Remus's eyes locked with hers, and despite her best efforts to remain stoic the quiet disapproval she saw there wounded her more deeply than any of Sirius's wild accusations.

"Delightful to see you, Lily," he said with characteristic kindness. "I would, of course, have come sooner, but unfortunately I've been- er- _unable_ to make my way to Hogwarts-"

"I understand," she said quickly, hoping her sorrow didn't show on her face as she stood and made to step down from the faculty table, surprised as Severus caught her by the wrist just a bit more roughly than necessary. She turned to face him, an eyebrow arched in defiant query, and was shocked as in one swift motion he stood and, with skill she wouldn't have dreamed he possessed, touched his lips to her own.

For a split second Lily wanted to back away from the kiss, but was subsequently stunned by how much easier it was to just lean into it. His arm snaked around her waist more softly than she could have anticipated, and without conscious thought her own hands moved to rest on his chest as she fought to absorb the situation. James had always kissed her with eager certainty and an almost _casualness_ that she had initially resented and then grown to appreciate as not much in her life had been able to remain a certainty- but Severus was kissing her with a gentle- almost nervous and yet frightfully _skilled_- deliberateness that, despite her best efforts to remind herself that this wasn't real, was sending chills down her spine. His hand brushed like a whisper across her hip, coaxing her smoothly closer with subtlety that James would never have possessed, and she could almost swear that there was yearning on his lips. She gasped as he increased his pressure on her lower lip almost imperceptibly and before she could even consider the possibilities she found herself returning the kiss. As her own lips moved tentatively against his Lily unexpectedly felt Severs shudder, though whether from disgust or uncertainty or some unknown third variable she wasn't sure as felt that she could almost hear him counting down the seconds required to make the kiss look genuine without overdoing it in his head before he pushed her downright _tenderly_ away from him, increasing her ever growing confusion. Somewhere in the back of her mind Lily knew she must look ridiculous as her mouth opened, then shut, then opened again, her mind reeling as she was forced to admit to herself that though the intellectual part of herself was caught somewhere between shock and horror-

Her body had liked it.

"Lily," Remus said, snapping her out of her stupor as she swallowed hard, noting that his eyes were carefully and purposely averted even as he tried to keep judgment from his voice, "Is there-erm, somewhere that we might go to talk?"

"Yes, my- my rooms are just upstairs," she said mechanically, barely registering that he was following her as she walked, still in shock, from the dining hall.

--

Lily nervously let Remus into her chambers, pausing to ignite some lamps before turning back to him, all but forgetting the past five minutes as anxiety overtook her as to what he might say-

But he didn't seem angry, only slightly confused and very tired as he sighed, genuine concern in his voice, "Oh Lily. How have you been _really?_"

There was a pause as she contemplated the relative pros and cons of telling the truth, given her new 'mission' of sorts, but in the end the kindness in his eyes overcame her reservations as she said softly,

"I've been rather ghastly, really, and yourself?"

He looked bleak before shaking his head. "The same."

"I really- I can't thank you enough for your letter," she said after a pause that was slightly longer than it should have been. "I- I read it lots of times… I've been really out of the loop-"

"That was clear," Remus commented dryly and she flushed without meaning to before gesturing to the couch.

"Can I get you anything? You- you must have traveled a long way-"

"Yes," he admitted shortly, with a slightly teasing smile, "but given that the alternative was Sirius's promise to 'chase me down and set his family's wombat collection on me' I had little choice."

Despite herself and the gravity of the situation Lily let out a short giggle. "Oh Remus, he didn't really-"

"No," Remus admitted after a brief moment, how own smile fading. "He didn't really. Well," he amended, frowning, "actually he did, but I came because-"

"You came because of Severus," Lily said, hoping she sounded confident and not just exhausted, wondering how she was going to successfully lie to this man in front of her- the only one of the Marauders, including James, who had always radiated honesty- goodness- compassion-

"I did," he nodded, looking suddenly pained and seeming hopeful that she would relieve him from the burden of speaking- but to his disappointment the silence dragged on. He exhaled deeply before shaking his head, though whether at himself or at her she couldn't be certain. "I don't have the same lucky ability as Sirius to alter the past in my head when it suits me," he murmured quietly after a long moment, eyes probing hers before he continued. "I haven't forgotten the years when you and Severus were inseparable, before-" he hesitated, seeming to be struggling very hard to find the right word before continuing, "before _politics_, I suppose, came between you. There were- there were even a few months, that autumn right before you finally went your separate ways, when I was relatively certain that it was going to be you and him, despite politics- I was never quite as sure of your feelings for him, but it was obvious that he fancied you my instinct was that if he had- 'called the question', so to speak, you wouldn't have been unwilling-"

Lily looked at him disbelievingly for a long, silent moment before whispering something she had never said to anyone but her sister, countless years ago- "No. I- I wasn't unwilling."

To Lily's relief he nodded easily, since the last time she had confessed as much she had been greeted with laughter so derisive that she had been convinced she must never mention it again- but Remus was looking at her with something akin to sympathy even as he tentatively prodded onward. "Nor do I have Sirius's lucky ability to believe that loving one person means you didn't love another or that you love either person less- or even that you can't truly love two people at once. But I believed- I believe," he corrected himself quickly, "That when you ended your friendship with Severus you meant it."

"I did," Lily said softly, definitely, gaze suddenly distant before it snapped back to the present and her eyes locked with his. "Earlier Albus accused me of having been relieved when Severus finally called me a mudblood, since it made it easier for me to break ties but- even _if _that's true, it doesn't change the fact that I was NEVER relieved to feel like ending the friendship was the right thing to do. I was NEVER glad that he had become the kind of person who would call me a mudblood to begin with."

"And that's what I don't understand, Lily," Remus interjected quickly. "He still IS that kind of person, only moreso. He IS a death eater. He- forgive me, but he DID deliver the prophecy that lead to James's death. To Harry's-" Remus took a shuddering breath before shaking his head emphatically. "Sirius is upset to the point of madness right now but we BOTH know that you loved James deeply- that if you could have you would have given your own life for his- for Harry's-"

"I tried to," she whispered, suddenly seeming to blink back tears and he looked at her with compassionate certainty before saying equally softly,

"I know you did. So-" he continued carefully, "I'm afraid that my confusion regarding the current situation remains."

"Maybe I've readjusted my priorities," Lily answered after a difficult pause, disheartened when Remus just raised his eyebrows doubtfully. Feeling desperate she tossed out somewhat histrionically, "I should have just forgiven him for what he called me all those years ago-"

"Oh Lily, I know you should have," Remus said, sounding sad as she blinked in surprise, not having realized how much she had expected him to disagree until he hadn't-

"Well then I don't see the problem," she blurted after a second, hoping she sounded triumphant and not just confused as Remus fired back with remarkable speed,

"Just as I don't see the _connection_. Regardless of should-have-dones, Severus _is_ currently a death eater-"

"Why are you trying to use Occlumency?" Lily blurted, all but ignoring his words as she felt his very definite attempts to skim the surface of her mind-

"Why are you using Legilimency to block me?" he fired back in an uncharacteristically sharp tone, causing her to flinch slightly before he shook his head, suddenly looking very, very tired even as he stated with perfect conviction, "I know you don't love Severus."

"I do," she insisted shortly, hoping she sounded persuasive even as he shook his head definitively.

"If you- if you're seeking security- protection- I understand. Believe me when I say that I support you in that. But- you don't need to get involved with _Severus Snape_ of all people to find it. I- I stand willing to offer myself as an alternative-"

Lily's face softened at his genuine nobility even as she blurted unthinkingly, "No- no it's _got_ to be Severus-"

"So you do have a plan!" Remus blurted nearly triumphantly, a brief flash of what Lily could only describe as Marauder in his eyes even as she shook her head obstinately, saying with calm she was far from feeling,

"I don't know what you mean, Remus. It's got to be Severus because I _love_ Severus-"

He shot her a doubtful look before saying firmly, "Lily, my offer _will_ stand-

"And I'm grateful to you, honestly," Lily said with every ounce of sincerity she still possessed before adding slowly, "But it won't be necessary. My- my future lies with Severus, with _all_ that that implies. I- the best thing you could do is distance yourself from me-"

"Distance myself from you NOW?" Remus questioned incredulously before looking genuinely offended. "I wouldn't distance myself from you NOW for all the galleons in Gringotts. Do you think _I_, of all people, don't understand hardship? _Desperation_? If you think I would abandon you then you have no conception of friendship or of me-"

"Then proceed at your own risk," she said, marveling at the harsh certainty in her voice when she felt like her insides were collapsing before he said softly,

"And I must say the same to you." They stared at one another for a poignant moment before he said definitely, "Unfortunately I must go in the morning, but I WILL continue to communicate with you whether you like it or not. No matter what befalls, do NOT hesitate to contact me if- _when_- it becomes necessary."

"Thank you, Remus, but I know what I'm doing," she said coldly, wishing she could feel half so confident as she sounded and turning so she wouldn't need to see him walk out of the room- and so that he wouldn't see the silent tears beginning to trail down her face.

--

_Hi everyone! First of all thank you for reading. I am a little sick of writing angst angst angst, so please be assured that this chapter was probably the official 'turning point' so to speak in Lily and Severus's relationship, though they still have quite a ways to go._

_To those of you who feel it is moving too slowly of that Lily is acting out of character, I feel you and I am sorry. Personally, though I may have overdone it a bit, I do believe that in the wake of this tragedy this IS how Lily would act, and I think people who try to sugar coat her relationship with Snape are sadly wrong- she DID cut ties with him, she DID mean it, he DID inadvertently lead to her family's death, she does NOT know how he feels, he IS sort of a difficult person, it WOULD have taken time for them to rebuild. I of course respect everyone's opinion but this is where I am coming from._

_The story (or at least the romance in the story) is accelerating starting about 5 pages ago, hehe. There will be banter and drama, but trust me, it is going in a very happy Lily Sev direction and the two chapters prior to this one are as low as it is going to get. I actually think the drama is about to be upped a notch too, but hopefully in a good way._

_Reviews will make me very glad indeed. I literally do a little happy dance every time I get one ;-) and I am always glad to know what people are enjoying or not. And sorry, I know I did promise a wedding in this chapter, but as usual my characters ran away from me for 8 pages… hopefully the kiss will suffice for now ;)_

_Next chapter (ermmm, I think)… Severus asks Voldemort's permission to marry Lily… slight to moderate Lily/Sev fluff (I know, the world is ending)… and perhaps I will make good on my promise of a wedding :-P Thanks for hanging in there! _


	10. Experience

"Snivellus," Sirius hissed darkly from where he stood sloughed against a wall waiting for Remus to emerge from the room where he was still deep in conversation with Lily. "I was wondering when you would slither on by."

Severus's eyes flashed as he regarded the slightly shorter man with disdain before hissing, "As opposed to stumbling drunkenly in the manner to which you've become accustomed?"

"I'm not drunk now," Sirius said menacingly, stepping out from the shadows and drawing his wand, venom in his gaze.

Severus snorted, drawing his own wand. "I suppose that for someone of your _flawless _character that term would be relative."

"_Character_?" Sirius repeated loudly. "You mean like seducing a helpless woman whose husband just died?"

Severus flinched but his own eyes narrowed as he bit out sarcastically, "Surely you haven't forgotten, Black, that Lily and I were in it together? Of course you never were intelligent-"

"You're a dead man!" Sirius screamed, and Severus bellowed

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" at the same moment that Lily's door swung open, revealing a surprised looking Remus and a rather angry looking Lily. It was Remus who took the situation in hand, however, undoing the curse on Sirius and somehow managing to direct Lily back into her chambers within five seconds before shooting a scornful look as Severus and saying, "Come on, Padfoot, it isn't worth the energy."

"That bastard deserves to die," Sirius bit out, but he lowered his wand as Severus did the same, and allowed himself to be led away from the other man by Remus.

**--**

Lily flinched as Severus pushed into her chambers, quickly shutting the door behind himself and stepping toward her.

"I'm sorry, did I say you could come in?" she inquired tartly before grimacing at the agony on his face. "Sorry," she offered, turning back toward the window and rolling her eyes. "It's just, between Sirius and Remus and… whatever _that _just was out there, I think I've had about my daily limit of whatever and-" She whipped back around before blurting, "And you kissed me," not caring that the statement didn't follow the previous train of thought.

The second the words left her mouth, however, she regretted them. Severus's face closed off and he turned a shade that could only be accurately described as purple before he hissed, "Surely you realize, Lily, that our very lives may depend on my kissing you-"

"In public?"

"What, as opposed to in private?" he fired back before fixing his gaze on the floor so intently that he seemed to be wishing it would engulf him.

"I-what?" she sputtered, looking scandalized before her face cleared and she offered a reluctant, "Point taken," mouth curving upward into what might have been a smirk under normal circumstances but now seemed more like a sigh. "Just- if you do it again, could I have some warning?"

"Forgive my oversight," he said, voice somehow smooth and yet managing to drip with sarcasm at the same time. "I was too busy trying to warn myself-"

Her eyes shot to his face but to her frustration she could read nothing there that might help her make sense of his comment. "Warn yourself?" she repeated blankly, but before the words had even left her mouth she knew that they were futile. He wouldn't be offering an explanation. Somehow, however, that seemed to make her even more intent upon scrutinizing his face as she blurted, "Where'd you learn to do that anyway?"

His gaze flickered upward for a fraction of a second in inquiry before he questioned dryly, "Warn myself?"

"Kiss," she retorted abruptly before feeling as though her face had grown several degrees hotter. However, to her relief, he didn't seem overly flummoxed by the question, replying instantly and tonelessly,

"Ah. From the usual sources."

Despite herself Lily felt the corners of her lips curve upward at his uncanny sense of humor, and for just a moment she allowed herself to forget the gravity of the situation as she lifted her eyebrows cajolingly. "No fair! I told you all about my first kiss!"

"Lily, we were eleven," he said doubtfully before his brow furrowed slightly. "Besides, we weren't speaking of first kisses- we were speaking of experience."

Lily took a shallow breath as Severus's eyes met hers, and without knowing why, or even being able to identify precisely HOW, she knew that the energy in the room had shifted. Her teasing smile faded as she nodded. "I suppose we were," she murmured, voice far throatier that she meant it to be before his eyes lowered.

Once her eyes were no longer being confronted with his own she felt her teasing air returning, and she smirked as she bantered, "And have you had a lot of _experience,_ Sev?"

His eyes snapped upward as the air in the room shifted again, but this time there was no mistaking the emotion in his eyes for anything but anger as he snapped harshly, "Would you like me to show you, Lily?"

Stunned by his sudden anger that she didn't understand she instinctually snapped back, "No, I'd LIKE you to go to hell, but we don't always get what we want."

"Then I suggest that from now on you keep your curiosity to yourself," he hissed darkly, turning as though to storm from the room before whirling back toward her, biting out, "Albus has suggested that I begin to spend my nights here. I'll return in an hour. I trust," he bit out scathingly, "That this will be long enough for someone of your innumerable talents to acclimate to the idea."

Lily flinched as the door slammed shut behind him, and without fully understanding why she felt tears begin to pour down her face.

--

"She toys with me, Albus," Severus snapped harshly, pacing the patch of floor in front of the older man's desk for what may have been the thousandth time before Dumbledore observed with infuriating calm,

"And has it not occurred to you; Severus, that even were that true it would be because you allow her to?"

"Allow-" Severus began incredulously before shaking his head, looking like he would strangle the older man were it within his power. "Even _if_ it were true? Are you saying you don't think-"

"No, Severus, I don't think," Albus said heavily, shaking his head. "Lily has many faults, that majority of which you've always been too blind to see- a certain subtle arrogance, definite impulsivity, a lack of appreciation for the subtle- but malice? Not Lily Evans. _Toying_ with you? I've seen no evidence that Lily has been other than completely honest with you, occasionally at extreme risk and detriment to herself. If she is, perhaps, carelessly _cruel_, it is partly due to all she doesn't know and partly due to the fact that, if I might remind you, her family was just_ killed_. Frankly I am amazed that she gets up in the morning. Do you have any idea what percentage of people in her situation could succeed in doing what she's doing _half_ as well as she's currently doing it?"

He allowed a pause before saying with resolute firmness, "I can't think of one. And so, my boy, I must insist that is it for YOU to be patient with HER, not the other way around. Do you honestly believe her curiosity about your kissing ability to have been a personal attack?" He didn't wait for an answer before shaking his head sadly and repeating, "_Toying_ with you? No, Severus, she is not toying with you, though it's possible that you're toying with yourself-"

"And what do you mean by that?" Severus enquired sharply.

"You fully understand my meaning, though you may wish you didn't," Dumbledore said keenly before sighing. "Now, if that was all, I am rather urgently needed elsewhere. I suggest that in the coming days you try to focus your attention on the multitude of problems that actually exist. I assure you, we have no shortage."

--

"Sev?" a quiet voice questioned as he tried to step silently into her rooms, and he blinked in suprise as his eyes adjusted to the darkness just enough to see Lily sitting on the too-comfortable sofa, legs pulled up to her chest in exactly the same way she used to do when they were nine years old and making the leaves change colors. Moonlight flitted briefly across her too-pale face and he was suddenly and uncomfortably aware that she had been crying-

"Yes," he replied heavily.

"The bedroom is to your left;" she said softly. "I'll take the couch tonight."

"No," he replied at once, unable to fathom the thought. "These are your apartments. I insist upon having the couch."

"Sorry, it's done" she said firmly, but her voice was warm as she arranged the pillows around her, smiling hesitantly. "The couch is comfier anyway."

As she all but disappeared into the cushions around her he found himself biting back a smile of his own before quipping, "Of that I have no doubt."

"Be nice," she cajoled, but her voice had no bite in it as she yawned. "And make yourself at home." She flinched before amending, "Or, you know, something less totally cliché that I'm too tired to think of right now."

He looked at her for a long moment before heading to his left, stopping as her voice sounded again when he reached for the bedroom doorknob.

"I _was_ teasing you, but I really wasn't making fun of you," she whispered, and he stood frozen for a long moment before saying softly,

"I know."

--

Severus wearily raised his head as he heard laughter coming from the next room. He briefly wondered what could be causing anyone to laugh in the middle of the night before realizing that, while it was undoubtedly very early, sunlight was peeping through the curtains.

"Is something funny?" he called groggily before Lily appeared in the doorway of the room, still giggling as she threw back the curtains.

"Definitely," she replied, eyes sparkling as she turned back to face him. "Two wizards, top of our class, and it didn't occur to either one of us that it might be a good idea to conjure a bed?"

--

The following week passed quickly in what could best be described as comfortable silence as first Remus and then Sirius departed, leaving Lily and Severus relatively alone in their charade. It was Lily who broke it, though, marching fearlessly into his potions classroom late one afternoon as he experimented. "I understand you're going tonight to ask Voldemort's permission to… you know," Lily blurted awkwardly as he looked up in surprise at her entrance, as well as her words.

"Yes," he answered curtly before turning away from her and pretending to busy himself with tidying his desk, not seeing her roll her eyes as he did so.

"Right," she responded briefly after a moment before continuing dryly. "Good of you to tell me."

"I wasn't aware that we were, persay, speaking;" he retorted just as wryly before she rolled her eyes and made a careless gesture.

"We weren't not speaking, Sev, there just wasn't anything to say."

He looked up sharply at her words, stunned by the simple truth in them and uncertain as to how to respond. After a moment she sighed, sounding almost disappointed, before near-muttering, "Well- right. Here you go then."

He stepped closer as she held out her hand, proffering a small vial.

"Felix Felicas?" he questioned in disbelief as he registered what it was. "But- this must have taken you-"

"Countless days and nights, yes," she deadpanned, shooting him a sliver of a smile. "I was pretty happy when I finally finished."

"You shouldn't waste this on-" he began definitely, holding it back out to her, and her brow furrowed slightly as she looked between the small vial and him carefully before saying softly, calmly,

"I won't deny it's not what I intended it for, but I am _certain_ it's not a waste."

He opened his mouth as though there was something that he wanted to say, but nothing came out, and after a moment she sighed once more in seeming as she slipped from the room.

--

Severus felt as though all his senses were heightened as he walked into the small, dark chamber where Voldemort sat deeply engrossed in conversation with a victorious looking Bellatrix and Narcissa.

Though ordinarily Severus would have bowed deeply upon entering he somehow knew that tonight this would be a mistake and instead settled for a nearly reverential nodbefore interrupting.

"My Lord," he murmured, inclining his head.

"Severus," the Dark Lord retorted. "You're early."

"My business is of the utmost importance to me," the younger man replied quickly, the words spilling out without his needing to consider them. Voldemort shot him a searching look before saying definitively,

"That was clear. Might Bellatrix stay?"

Severus opened his mouth to communicate tactfully that he would rather she go, but some unseen force stopped the words before he was able to say them and somehow, against all logic he possessed, he found himself saying, "Of course, my Lord, if it pleases you."

Voldemort seemed satisfied, saying abruptly, "Narcissa, you are dismissed," and with a frightened look at Severus she disapperated, leaving him to wonder what they had been speaking of-

But somehow he knew this was irrelevant, and it was mere seconds later that the Dark Lord said, voice smooth, "I understand you've made the mudblood your mistress."

"I have, my Lord."

"And you are here, then, to ask for money to support her in the lifestyle befitting-"

"No, my Lord," Severus interrupted when he normally would have waited for the other man to finish. "I'm here to ask your permission to marry her."

Voldemort went still, face darkening before he demanded, "Have you foolishly gotten her pregnant, boy?"

"No, my Lord," Severus replied at once. "I would not be so unskilled."

"Indeed," Voldemort retorted dryly, voice silky as he turned to Bellatrix. "Then I hardly think the question merits an answer, but for the sake of clarification- what say you, Bellatrix?"

Severus felt his stomach sink as he braced himself for a tirade and found himself somehow speechless and yet utterly unsurprised when she merely looked extremely thoughtful. After a moment she pressed her fingers together and her eyes narrowed slightly as she shook her head.

"I think the situation is complex, my Lord," she replied after a long moment, eyes narrowing further as her gaze settled on Severus. "I had the pleasure of dueling Lily Potter last week-"

"The _pleasure_?" Voldemort repeated coolly and coaxingly, clearly surprised when she nodded definitely.

"Yes. It was the first time in years that I've dueled someone who wasn't using the Dark Arts and felt they even stood a chance."

"A mudblood? Against you?" Voldemort asked, clearly disbelieving.

"Yes," Bellatrix said shortly, almost nervously, before shrugging. "I trust we can speak openly here, if nowhere else. Her bloodlines are, of course, laughable, but there is no denying that she possesses extraordinary power. I can see advantages to having that power aligned with rather than against us."

"And you think the mudblood bitch would really align with us?" Voldemort scoffed, as she frowned.

"I think she's no idiot," Bellatrix finally said flatly, almost reluctantly. "She sees the way the tides have turned, and I do believe her to be devoted to Severus- she tried to cast the death curse on Pettigrew only after he insulted her lover-"

"Avada Kedevara?" Voldemort questioned, looking mildly impressed before his face closed off.

"Might I speak to my Lord- alone?" Bellatrix asked softly, and Severus surprisingly felt no fear as he led her to an adjacent room.

--

"What are you playing at, girl?" Voldemort demanded the second they were behind closed doors, but in his voice was something that more closely resembled admiration than anger.

"I would never play with our fates, My Lord," Bellatrix said, but there was a cunning sparkle in her eyes that he didn't miss as he surveyed her carefully.

"Then explain to me, Bella, why you just spent valuable time defending a woman I know you hate as much as I."

"Of course I hate her," Bellatrix hissed, disgust clear on her face. "That doesn't make any of what I said untrue. If anything it makes it more important. Where better to have the bitch than where we can watch her? What better way to catch Severus if he's up to anything he shouldn't be? And if he isn't- well, then, what better way to reward him and set an example? Imagine what your other followers will say- the awe at how greatly you are willing to reward your most loyal servant-"

"My most loyal servant is you;" he cut her off with no particular emotion, and she flushed with pleasure before demurring,

"Humbled as I am by my Lord's regard, there can be no denying that Severus risks his life every day to bring us information we'd otherwise have no way of obtaining. Even if he is not the most _loyal_ of us, there can be little doubt that he _is_ the most valuable at this time. Let the others see what dedicated service can bring-"

"The law prohibits the marriage," Voldemort said flatly, but it was clear he was contemplating the idea in a way he never would have an hour earlier.

"My Lord," Bellatrix said, sounding genuinely scandalized. "Your WORD is law.

Voldemort smirked grimly. "So it is."

--

Severus looked up as Bellatrix reentered the chamber, closely followed by Voldemort, who looked him up and down coldly before saying flatly.

"Very well. You will bring the girl to me now. Should I believe her to be loyal to you and willing to support our cause, you have my permission to marry her tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Severus echoed.

"Certainly tomorrow," the Dark Lord said with a grimace. "Now bring her here."

--

_First of all I thank you all for your patience in waiting for this chapter. I have been frantically taking final exams in German and applying for Teach For America, so I have really not had as much time as I wanted to devote to other things. I will be headed back to America tomorrow, so expect WAY more frequent updates once I am actually settled in there… starting in about a week, I think. Sorry it may be a while again. I have not and will not ever give up on this or any of my other stories, have no fear._

_Also I am going to stop saying what I think will happen in the next chapter. These characters have a mind of their own, I'm afraid, and take a lot longer than I want them to :-P_

_Sorry it was so long. Reviews are TREASURED and make me happier than anyone can realize. Thank you to all of you who have left them in the past, and thanks in advance to those who will leave them now :) Opinions on what I can do better are also very welcome. I now have a beta, but due to the shoddy computer access I have here I was unable to send this to her before posting, so any mistakes remain my own and should be getting better starting with the next chapter._

_Thanks for reading!_


	11. Emerald

Lily jumped up as her bedroom door slammed open and then shut in one quick motion, barely having time to register the near-frantic look on Severus's face before he grabbed her tightly by the arm and propelled her into her bedroom. Indignation warred with confusion inside her as she wondered what on Earth he was doing and he yanked out the clips holding her hair into place, sending it cascading down around her shoulders in thick amber waves.

In the next minute he had shoved her away from him and was surveying her critically, and she suddenly felt almost naked in the face of his penetrating gaze as he took in her knee-length black skirt and dark blouse.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" she blurted, unable to take it any longer. "Did you see Voldemort? What's going _on_ Sev?"

But to her great annoyance he merely continued to look at her as though she were a potion he was getting ready to make before he barked, utterly ignoring her questions, "How's your occlumency?"

She rolled her eyes, feeling almost offended by the questioning of her skill in something so elementary. "Never better," she retorted before arching her eyebrow teasingly. "How's yours?"

"This is hardly the time," he snapped before going to her closet and pawing through it, and for the first time she started to feel a small degree of concern that Voldemort might have done something to make him lose his mind, since he certainly wasn't acting like Severus-

"You have nothing that's not black?" he inquired shortly, and she shook her head in the negative, biting her lip nervously before venturing again, far more tentatively,

"What's going on, Severus?"

"The Dark Lord has requested our presence within the hour," Severus bit out shortly, and despite her best efforts Lily felt her legs give out from underneath her as she contemplated the various things this could mean and couldn't see it leading to anything good-

"Oh," she replied stupidly, allowing herself to sink onto the bed before biting her lip contemplatively. "What should I do?" she asked in a small voice after a long moment.

"Get out of those muggle clothes and into a robe. Not black. It has to look like you're my mistress and I'm supporting you in something resembling style. Something- green, probably, with gold jewelry. A hint of Slytherin, without overdoing it-"

She nodded, unable to remember the last time she had heard him speak so many words at once, and despite the gravity of the situation she had to bite back a small giggle a the fact that once he did, it was about _clothing_, of all things-

"Once we arrive, you will be differential. You will speak to the Dark Lord only if he speaks to you, which is unlikely. Do not meet his eyes. He will try to read your mind. It would be best if you could show him something supporting our story, but as that's probably an impossibility, occlumency will have to suffice. You will under no circumstances refer to him as Voldemort."

Despite the stress of the situation, Lily rolled her eyes. "Thank you, I'm not an idiot," she snapped with vehemence that, given the situation, surprised even herself, before pointing her wand at one of her black robes at random and watching it turn a brilliant shade of emerald.

--

Severus watched in amazement as Lily sent a door swooshing open almost casually, her robes flowing behind her and her arm resting comfortably in his as they approached Voldemort's inner chamber. Guards stared at them with undisguised curiosity, but no one questioned them as they drew closer to their goal.

To his further astonishment, she didn't look scared or uncomfortable in the slightest- in fact, if anything, this seemed to be the most confident she had looked since arriving at Hogwarts. Her chin was lifted, and a small smile played on her lips, as though she knew something that he didn't. For a moment he felt annoyance at the thought, but then, as he had so many times before, he forced himself to feel nothing at all as Lily sailed into Voldemort's chamber, looking for all the world as if she belonged there-

And for the first time, as her chin lifted almost imperceptibly higher and Voldemort's gaze ran over her with something almost resembling… _approval_, Severus allowed himself to contemplate the possibility, however small, that this might all turn out alright after all- or at least, that no one might die tonight-

"Lily Evans," Voldemort said, voice almost ponderous as his eyes ran over her again and she kept her gaze trailed studiously downwards. "How _interesting_ to finally meet you."

Severus felt Lily stiffen slightly beside him and felt momentary panic as he wondered how she might react to the carefully chosen words- words clearly chosen to provoke a reaction, when everyone in the room knew they had 'met' less than two months ago on the night that had cost her husband and son their lives-

But to Severus's amazement, Lily said only, voice extremely low, and to his ears extremely sincere, "My lord is gracious."

Voldemort's expression twisted into an unkind smirk before he said, voice leaving no room for argument, "Look at me."

Serverus fought hard to suppress a wince as she did so without hesitation, and several minutes dragged on in silence before Voldemort suddenly, unexpectedly offered something that on another person might have passed for a smile. "I see you're even more skilled than your lover at the art of occlumency. My congratulations."

And again, Lily was speaking, in that same unnaturally calm, controlled, sincere voice, "My lord flatters me."

"I flatter no one, as you will quickly learn," Voldemort shot back sharply and without hesitation, and Lily merely inclined her head deferentially as his eyes narrowed and he continued sharply, "I'm sure you can understand that I harbor a decided- _uncertainty_ as to your motivations and sincerity in wishing to join us-"

"As I do about your motivations and sincerity toward me," Lily retorted quickly, squaring her shoulders before smiling almost teasingly and shrugging. "And yet, here we both stand- at least for now."

Severus cringed, bracing himself for the curses and explosion he felt sure would follow her words, but to his amazement the Dark Lord merely looked slightly- _amused _before agreeing harshly,

"At least for now. But unlike you, I am in a position to demand some- _convincing_ of your motivations and worth."

And to Severus's amazement, Lily didn't flinch away from his words, merely seemed to stand straighter before saying firmly, "I can't speak to my motivations, as that would require your trust, something I realize I have yet to earn. But my worth is without question."

"Cheeky for a mudblood," Voldemort snapped dangerously, and for a split second Severus worried that she would bristle at the word, but to his surprise she merely lifted an eyebrow, looking almost amused herself as she replied, once more inclining her head in something resembling deference,

"My bloodline, is, of course, pitiable, my lord, but my connections, perhaps, are not."

"You refer to your involvement in the order," Voldemort supplied, and to Severus's shock he looked almost eager as Lily offered something that might have passed for a smile were it not for the dark look on her face.

"I offer you another spy. I have connections that Severus could never dream of, and I can assure you that my magical talents, despite my bloodline, are not lacking."

"Of that I am aware," Voldemort replied, surveying her critically before saying, "And id I should require proof of your loyalty?"

"My lord's wish is my command," Lily replied without hesitation, smiling confidently and without fear.

"And should I tell you that my wish is that you kill Albus Dumbledore?"

--

_I know that this is short and that it has been a LONG time. I am sorry for both things. The next chapter will at least twice as long as this, with much more Lily/Severus interactions ;) _

_I would really appreciate reviews and comments, as honestly, my muse is back, but I am trying to decide whether to continue this story or just start another. I promise I am not going to become one of those authors who begs and guilt trips for reviews, but if you are wanting this to continue, this is very much the time to say so. If I get enough positive feedback, another chapter should be up by Monday :) _

_I hope everyone's having a good weekend, and rest assured that I will NOT be taking this long of a hiatus again, ever._


	12. Undergarments

It was only through years of practiced control that Severus was able to keep a look of horrified astonishment from his face, and he quickly inclined his head to gaze at Lily, afraid of what she might give away-

But her face was perfectly calm as she flippantly tossed her hair over her shoulder, replying without hesitation, "It would be my pleasure to serve you in this."

And to Severus's dismay Voldemort tilted his head to the side in a way he had learned firsthand never preceded anything good. "I find it difficult to believe your willingness," the Dark Lord mused, voice dangerously smooth, and to Severus's shock Lily let out something resembling a snort before firing back,

"I would probably be less willing if I didn't find it impossible to believe your request."

And again Severus fought to suppress a cringe at the curses he assumed were coming- no one ever, ever spoke to the Dark Lord like this without being punished-

But to his continued astonishment, though Voldemort's eyes narrowed further he made no move to draw his wand, instead hissing almost violently, "Explain."

"Only an idiot would truly wish Albus dead, my lord," Lily replied as though it were the most natural thing in the world, "And even when I was working against you, I never had reason to doubt your intelligence."

"Is that so?" Voldemort asked, voice growing still more menacing before he continued, "And pray tell me, why would someone of my _intelligence_ wish for anything more than Albus's untimely end?"

"I admit there are disadvantages to leaving him alive," Lily shrugged, and to Severus's amazement she managed to both look and sound like she was discussing something as mundane as the weather as she took an unhurried step toward the Dark Lord. "As the head of the Order he's a figurehead to thousands, and his death would be a crushing blow, perhaps even a definitive one, to their ideals and hopes-"

"And yet you're so certain no intelligent being could wish for this?" Voldemort asked, eyes flashing, and to Severus's amazement he seemed to have forgotten there was anyone else in the room as he looked at Lily angrily, but also contemplatively, in a way that Severus knew well and that frightened him more than any dark spells would have- a way that should, perhaps, have brought relief, as it's very nature all but guaranteed that Lily was safe, at least physically, at least for tonight-

But the look also promised that Voldemort was making plans for her, determining how she could best be used to his advantage-

"Yes," Lily replied shortly, nodding definitively. "First of all, it would be an unthinkably large gamble- his death would be just as likely to incite outrage and rebellion, inspiring those who believe in Albus to fight twice as hard against what they would otherwise merely come to accept as a matter of course- and second of all, Albus is a _fool,_" Lily continued, scorn in her voice as she rolled her eyes, and Severus had to admit that she was a much, _much _ better actress than he could ever have dreamed as she continued, "We couldn't dare to hope that whoever replaced him would be naieve enough to hope for a _peaceful resolution_," Lily continued to bite out mockingly, looking like the words disgusted her, "and we certainly couldn't hope for someone so likely to give in to their emotions."

"As you, evidently, do not" Voldemort supplied dryly, and though he sounded almost bored, Severus was astounded to find that he could hear a faint twinge of respect in the man's voice before the Dark Lord abruptly whirled his gaze away from Lily.

"Severus, I fear I've not given you enough credit in your choice of bride," the older man mused before turning back to Lily and all but spitting out,

"I grant my permission for the wedding, and I will do you the courtesy of being clear. My approval will only last for as long as I believe you to be of use to me. From this moment, your very existence depends on my good will. Should I find you to have deceived me, about anything, in any way, you will both die."

And for the last time that evening, Lily bowed her head. "It will be as you wish, my lord."

--

Lily cringed slightly as the door to her chambers swung shut behind her, wondering whether it was really necessary that Severus be here with her now, of all times, when more than anything she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts-

But even as this occurred to her, another part of her wanted nothing more than to discuss what had just happened- what on earth was going to happen next- with the one person in the universe who might be able to actually understand what she was going through-

And for just a moment Lily allowed herself to marvel at the irony of the fact that a man who less than two months ago she had truly believed she would never see again, much less actually speak to, was about to, by default, become her closest confidant-

And all this without even knowing whether she could trust him- whether she _should_ trust him even if she could, when he was responsible for the death of her son-

"Do you think he believed me?" she asked with casual flippancy that she did not feel, amazed that her body wasn't shaking from everything she had just had to say- all that she had had to pretend, and in spite of herself she felt sudden and definite sympathy for Severus, if he had to feel even a tenth of this every day-

With a small shake of her head she willed herself to stop thinking about it, throwing her robe carelessly over her head and onto the floor, noticing but not understanding Severus's sharp intake of breath, the slight darkening of his eyes as she did so-

And she felt suddenly and unexpectedly self-conscious for reasons that she didn't understand as a horrified expression came over his face and he looked quickly away.

"No," he hissed in response to her almost-forgotten question. "I don't think he believed you at all."

"Yeah, me either," she fired back, not sounding terribly torn up about it, and he turned to face her once more, training his gaze deliberately on her face as she sank onto the couch, curling her legs underneath her. "So what does that make our next logical question?"

At the use of the word _our_ Severus flinched and Lily was unable to stop herself from rolling her eyes before she snapped,

"Would it be possible for you to look at me like I don't disgust you?"

For a split second Severus recoiled as though she'd slapped him and she almost regretted her hasty barb before he retorted venomously, "I don't know, Lily. Would it be possible for you to stop lounging around in your _undergarments?"_

Lily felt her face grow red as her jaw dropped open, then shut, hating that, when she wasn't trying, her face was embarrassingly expressive. She was torn between indignation and mortification, but despite herself, more than anything, she just felt amusement at having heard Severus, of all people, use the word _undergarments-_

"It is a _slip_," she bit out finally through clenched teeth. "I realize it's not something I'll be wearing down to breakfast in the great hall, but seeing as how you're going _marry me_ tomorrow, I don't think it's a radical assumption that you might occasionally see a little leg."

But, to her shock, instead of firing back a final insult and being done with it, Severus took a moment to drag his gaze with excruciating slowness down her body and then back up again to her face, causing her to shiver with something she knew wasn't cold before meeting her flashing green eyes with his own. She opened her mouth to snap something, anything, about how he had a lot of nerve looking at her like- like-

"To the contrary, Lily," he said dryly, and if she hadn't known better she would have sworn he was _smirking, _"I can assure you that I see no leg."

Her brow furrowed in confusion before she looked down to where her legs were still neatly tucked underneath her and she hesitated, unsure as to whether it was possible that Severus Snape had just attempted to make a _joke_, and if so whether it would be appropriate to laugh-

"Well then, I see no problem," she retorted quickly, not wanting to navigate that particular pitfall, and raised her chin almost defiantly before she sighed, realizing that once again they had lost sight of the point in meaningless banter-

And realizing that once again, despite herself, she had enjoyed it-

However, Severus too seemed to realize that they had veered from the topic at hand, and his face was suddenly, carefully devoid of emotion as he stated, "I suppose the situation leaves us with three main- difficulties. The first, as you mention, is the question of your believability-" and suddenly his face wasn't blank anymore, and his eyes had narrowed dangerously as he near growled, "What could have possessed you to speak to the Dark Lord in that manner? It's miraculous that he didn't _crucio _you at least once-"

"Oh, and he would have believed my complete and total submission for sure," she shot back sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "I had to have _some_ fight in me-"

"You should have listened to me," he snapped back, and Lily was taken aback by the genuine _emotion_ that seemed to be in his voice as he continued, "Your _believability_ is a small matter compared to your life-"

"Oh Sev," she said softly after a moment, standing and taking a step toward him, "They're the same thing." His eyes met hers again, but this time they were almost gentle, and Lily felt her brow furrow, feeling somehow thrown off balance and trying to correct it by bantering flippantly, "Besides, as you and Albus are so quick to forget, I _am_ an auror_._ This is what I was trained to do-"

"Trained, perhaps, but not _prepared,_" Severus snapped, once more startling her with his intensity, and she wondered fleetingly what was bringing this out in him tonight when he was always so unbearably, infuriatingly _stoic_- and for one crazy moment she wanted to antagonize him further, see what kind of a response she might get now if she pushed-

But even as she thought it he continued, voice abruptly much calmer, though his hands remained clenched painfully at his sides, "Regardless, this leaves us with two other questions- what the Dark Lord may think or suspect of my motivations, and how it's best for you- for _us-_ to proceed now."

"I don't think he thinks much of you in this situation," Lily mused after a long moment, biting her lip softly and twirling a long strand of hair around her finger absently, surprised as Severus's gaze followed her movements like a caress, but not wasting time to think about it. "He hardly paid any attention to you at all, which probably means that he trusts you- and thinks you're a lovesick fool. If anything he's probably just casually concerned about what you might try to do when it becomes necessary for him to kill me."

She hesitated for a moment, waiting to see how he might respond, and when he didn't she shrugged. "As for what to do now- well, maybe that's a question for after the wedding."

Her gaze sought his, and she almost wished she hadn't as the intensity once more overwhelmed her, and she suddenly wondered if it might be her and not him- if the events of the past hour were catching up to her and making her see things that weren't there-

"Well," his voice said coolly, slicing into her brief reverie, "You should get some sleep."

She snorted, looking almost indignant. "And I supposed the great Severus Snape has no need for _sleep-"_

And her brow furrowed in confusion as she almost could have sworn that hurt passed over his face, quickly disguised- as though she possessed the power to hurt _him- _but he said only, distantly,

"I'll leave you, then."

Her brow furrowed for a different reason and she hated the fact that she had to consider strategy even now as she blurted, "But- wouldn't it look more convincing if-"

She couldn't read the expression on his face as he replied, sounding almost _bemused,_ "To the contrary, Lily, tonight is probably the last time I can leave you and have it seem _more_ convincing- isn't there some odd muggle superstition about seeing the bride on the day of the wedding that you might like to adhere to?"

Lily felt surprise, and her head tilted to the side of its own accord as she mused aloud, "There is, though how _you _of all people would know that-"

"I know because you told me, Lily," he hissed suddenly, and though his face retained its carefully manufactured composure she could have sworn a flash of anger passed through his eyes, quickly suppressed, though just who or what he was angry at she couldn't tell-

"No I didn't," she shook her head, looking torn over whether to laugh or frown, and settling on merely shaking her head with a kind of simple certainty. "When on earth would we have discussed-"

"It's of no consequence," he bit out shortly, and she frowned, wondering, not for the first time, why he always insisted on making things so _difficult-_

"Well, then, I suppose you should go," she said finally, struggling not to let her frustrating show, and, when it became apparent that he didn't intend to say anything else, turning her back on him definitely as she strode toward the bedroom, not bothering to see him exit.

--

"Do you never sleep, Albus?" Lily inquired hours later, her tone rather harsh, but she nonetheless stepped aside to let him into her chambers, leaving him to shut the door behind himself.

"I might ask the same thing of you, Lily," he retorted, an almost amused twinkle in his eye as he took in the room, still brightly lit despite the hour, as well as the multiple volumes on the dark arts that she had sprawled across nearly every surface.

"I'd rather be tired than unprepared," she retorted shortly, with a gesture that seemed to imply that he should feel free to sit, but he didn't sit, merely continued to survey her closely, almost as though he wanted to ask her something, before saying with disarming casualty,

"Severus informs me that you met with Tom Riddle this evening?"

"You doubt him?" she shot back archly, but Albus merely raised one bushy eyebrow, not bothering to acknowledge her tone as he continued personably,

"And also that the Dark Lord plans to throw festivities in your honor tomorrow night."

Lily shrugged, struggling not to let her surprise show as she agreed glibly, "I suppose that would be customary, yes. I mean," and her voice caught slightly despite her best efforts as she forced herself to continue, "What's a wedding without a party-"

But to her surprise Albus didn't comment on her emotional state, merely gazed at her keenly before saying contemplatively, "Indeed, Lillian. And what's a party without a little espionage?"

--

Sevurus jumped as he heard a soft but undeniably firm knock on his door, and he felt sharp unease at what a visit at this late hour could possibly mean-

And so, as quickly as he could without seeming unnaturally rushed, he pulled open the door, stunned to see a slightly flushed and sheepish looking Lily standing there, looking down at her feet.

"Can I- can I help you?" he managed to bite out, hating how awkward and stilted his words sounded even as he realized that was the only way-

"Depends," she replied softly, and as her eyes flashed up to meet his they were almost teasing, despite the timidity of her tone. "Were you sleeping?"

He paused, contemplating the relative pros and cons of either answer he might give before deciding it was best to just tell the truth, as it was doubtless obvious anyway- "No."

"Were you-" and again, the strange hesitation in her voice, so uncharacteristic of her and unfathomable to him. "Were you planning to?"

Again he felt nothing more than perplexity at the nature of her question before biting out again, slightly more harshly than before, hating himself all the while for his inability to act _kind_ to her, "No."

"Yeah, me either," she said, and he felt slight surprise at the fact that she had made her way all the way down here just to share _that-_ "Would you- uh, I mean," she said, and if he hadn't known any better he would have sworn he saw her flush, "I thought that maybe we could, you know. Not sleep together." She darted another gaze at him, and whatever she saw made her slouch back slightly, but nonetheless she raised her chin, saying with flippancy that he could tell, absolutely, she did not feel, "I mean, it's not like the staying apart the night before the wedding method brought me much luck anyhow."

Severus felt suddenly uncomfortable for reasons he couldn't fully identify, much less understand, and he swallowed hard past a sudden and inexplicable lump in his throat before murmuring awkwardly, "I- of course. Please, come in."

Without another word Lily brushed gently past him into the room.

_Thank you SO much for all the supportive reviews on the last chapter. I am seriously always awed by the support I get for this story, and I will try not to let you down._

_I have to make clear though, that the story is at best at its half way mark, and nowhere close to being finished. There are still a lot of issues that Lily and Sev need to work through, both individually and as a couple, and also the pesky issue of the war. I promise I am not going to be excessively focused on the war aspect of all of this, since I read fanfic too, and realize that, beyond a certain point, no one cares, but there will be a resolution at the end of this._

_Because a few people asked, and I did keep you waiting a long time- what has been going on with me is this. Basically I got back to the USA from studying abroad in Germany, and finished my last year of University :) During this I met an awesome guy, and didn't have much time, or much appetite for writing angst, so this story went on hiatus. For the past 5 months I've been teaching in France. I sort of hate it, but I get to travel quite a bit which is awesome :)_

_Mkay, that's enough on me :) Please let me know what you think of the story! Reviews make my day, you have no idea!_


	13. Collarbone

Lily jumped slightly as Severus placed his hand on the small of her back, but forced her strained smile to stay in place as he said in a monotone that had not altered since they entered Voldemort's mansion, "Narcissa, may I present my wife. Lily, Narcissa Malfoy-"

"We've met, of course," Narcissa said, tone bland, but emotion flickered behind her eyes- emotion that unsettled Lily, as she couldn't tell what was inspiring it.

"Of course," Lily echoed, allowing her eyes and mind to wander as she looked over Narcissa's shoulder at the party going on behind them, amazed at how _normal _the whole thing seemed- somehow she had never expected that when the Death Eaters got together it would be almost exactly the same as when the Order did. Wizards were mingling casually, various alcoholic beverages in their hands, and occasionally a laugh would erupt, causing people to look over, not in disapproval, as Lily would have expected, but rather, as though they wanted to join in on the fun. If the laughs were a little few and far between, well- in truth the same could be said of the Order, now, and for the first time Lily realized sharply, almost painfully, that these people, her _enemies,_ all had friends and families too- were all affected by this war, too-

Severus was saying something, probably to Narcissa, and though Lily's instincts cautioned her that she should be paying attention, her traitorous mind could only jump back to that morning, when Albus had stood before her and Severus, a downright _smirk _on his face, and pronounced them man and wife, in what had felt to Lily like the biggest mockery of the institution of marriage ever known to wizards. It probably hadn't helped that Albus had married her and James, too, but the day she had married James had been lighthearted, carefree- she had been surrounded by friends, by family, instead of by various members of the Hogwarts faculty, their expressions ranging from mild disapproval to downright condemnation-

Lily fought the urge to jump again as the pressure of Severus's hand was suddenly absented from her back and he murmured his regrets, heading over to another group. Lily fought competing urges to scream and laugh hysterically at the thought that she had been left alone with, of all people, Narcissa _Malfoy-_

But Narcissa just looked around nervously before taking a hesitant step toward Lily, looking as though she wanted to say something but didn't know how-

"I- do you like the party?" Lily questioned, knowing she must sound ridiculous, but not knowing what else she could possibly have to discuss with this woman who probably wanted her dead.

And to her surprise Narcissa snorted in an extremely undignified manner before suddenly looking anxious and replying softly,

"It is always an honor to attend any gatherings the Dark Lord might feel to be appropriate."

Lily felt her brow start to furrow and she stopped it only through an extreme force of will, commenting casually,

"I imagine so," and trying without much success to come up with another topic of conversation. Narcissa had no job, and Lily couldn't remember her ever expressing an interest in anything but Lucius Malfoy when they'd been in school-

But Narcissa didn't even seem to hear her, merely looking around nervously again before taking another halting step toward her and saying so softly even Lily wasn't sure she heard her correctly,

"I was- _so sorry_- to hear about your son."

For a second Lily froze, wondering if Narcissa would really mock her here, like this, now-

But a look at Narcissa's face ruled that out more effectively than anything else could have, and Lily was reduced to merely staring at her, too shocked to feel any of the pain she normally did when thinking about Harry before offering softly,

"Thank you. I- how is Draco?"

And to her astonishment, cold, shallow Narcissa lit up like a firework at the mention of her son's name before babbling about how clever he was becoming.

Lily smiled and nodded at what seemed to be the appropriate times even as she took a moment to survey the scene around her carefully, noting the increasing drunkenness of the majority of the people at the party, the fact that, at this point, her and Severus were no longer the focus of attention-

"I'm- so glad, Narcissa," Lily offered as the younger woman stopped for breath before shooting her what she hoped would be perceived as a slightly embarrassed smile, ready to put her plan into action. "But I was wondering- could you point me in the direction of the toilets?"

--

Nearly thirty minutes and a countless number of charms later Lily stood in what appeared to be an extremely poorly organized records room, and she marveled at the fact that Voldemort would actually allow things to be in such a state before remembering that Albus had warned her that the majority of this information would be useless, horribly outdated, of no use to anyone-

"And I'm supposed to find the one relevant list _how?"_ Lily muttered to herself before opening a cabinet at random and beginning to look over the records there- useless financial information about potions ingredients-

"What are you _doing,_" a voice suddenly hissed from behind her, and Lily froze, knowing there was really no way for her to explain this away- that she was almost certainly about to die-

"I- was lost-" she began softly, turning slowly, and almost collapsing with relief when she saw Severus standing there before she registered the fury on his face.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she questioned, feeling sudden anger as she went on the offensive. "Someone's going to notice that we're gone-"

"That didn't seem to bother you overly much," he shot back, voice venomous as he advanced toward her and she squared her shoulders, forcing herself to stand straight as she snapped,

"I'm going to go back as soon as I locate the list of Death Eaters who are from outside the British Isles-"

"Did Albus put you up to this?" Severus growled, gripping her upper arms tightly, murder in his eyes.

"I don't see what that has to do with-" Lily began before letting out a whimper as he squeezed her arms tighter and muttered something that sounded miraculously like a death threat against Dumbledore before continuing to glare at her, as though he was trying to impart something with his eyes-

"Careful, Sev, I might think you care," she snapped, trying to hide her uncertainty as her eyes warred with his before she yanked out of his grip with all her strength and turned her back on him, flinging open another drawer at random. "I told you, I'll be done in a-"

A sound from somewhere outside caused her to freeze mid-sentence, however, and despite the fact that her back was to him she could have sworn she felt Severus do the same. Before she could stop to analyze the situation, however, Severus was suddenly close behind her, placing cold, surprisingly gentle hands on her shoulders.

"What are you-" she hissed angrily despite the fact that she was more confused than angry, attempting to turn and face him-

But before she could even finish the question he had barked "_Silencio" _with a kind of chilling certainty, and Lily felt her mouth drop open in shock before she snapped it closed, anger bubbling furiously inside of her as she faced the fact that, at least for the moment, words were no longer an option.

"Relax," he whispered almost _gently_, and Lily shivered as he quickly, skillfully brushed her hair to the side with one hand and slipped her robe down over her right shoulder with the other, exposing her collarbone.

Unable to process what was happening she tried again to turn and face him, but at that instant his fingers trailed gently up her neck, and even as her mind cried out in fury she felt her knees wobble slightly under her as her head tilted as though of its own accord, allowing him better access.

She stiffened as she felt his lips press gently down on her collarbone, moist and far warmer than she would have expected as he kissed a path from her shoulder to her earlobe, slowly and with impossible certainty- impossible skill-

She opened her mouth to order him to stop, knowing it would come out as more of a whimper than a command and somehow unable to care as the hands which were gripping her upper arms suddenly loosened and slid slowly down her arms to join with her hands in one fluid, impossibly sensual motion.

And then, just as she had given up the thought of turning to face him, she felt herself whipped around and hoisted onto a desk she hadn't even noticed before and bent backwards so hard that it should have hurt as his lips descended and met hers.

--

_I hope you all enjoy… I was sorry to end it there, but alas, real life didn't really give me another option._

_Reviews are better than Sev kissing Lily's collarbone! This story gets TONS of hits, but not a lot of reviews, at least recently. and that kind of makes me feel bad, as I'm sort of forced to assume that, while a lot of people read it, not that many people like it. So- yeah. Review and make me do a happy dance! _


	14. Easier

Lily gasped as Severus's lips descended on hers ferociously, almost violently, and for an instant she froze, just absorbing the sensations- confused by the fact that, though his kiss was angry, his lips were gentle, the hand running through her hair almost tender-

And then she gasped again as his other hand firmly gripped her right thigh and hoisted her leg upward, where, to her horror, it twined instinctively around his waist. After a long moment of surprise she tried to remove it, but to her chagrin he just gripped onto her even more tightly, and she shuddered, yanking her lips away from his and meeting his eyes, determined to impart her fury, even if she was incapable of using her voice-

But to her shock, there was no malice in his face, no sarcasm- he did look angry, but it was impossible for her to believe that was truly his dominant emotion as she continued to search his eyes- eyes that looked hopeful, scared, and very, very young. Despite herself Lily felt her own anger fading as she continued to look at him-

And then his lips were on hers again, but this time there didn't seem to be any deliberation, any anger, just a certain, almost _resigned _ tenderness, and Lily allowed her eyes to flutter shut as her hands moved of their own volition, sliding up his chest and coming to rest on his shoulders, taking note of his sharp intake of breath as she did so and not knowing what to make of it as his hand trailed lazily up her thigh, causing her to shiver uncertainly, to part her lips slightly -

To her shock, he seemed to take the gesture as in invitation, and she stiffened as she felt his tongue slide lightly across her lower lip before entering her mouth.

For an endless moment Lily felt nothing but astonishment, but as comprehension slowly dawned she felt her passivity slowly melting into renewed anger and attempted with all her might to push away from him, letting out something near a growl when that only served to make him pull her more tightly to him. For the briefest second she contemplated biting down on his tongue, but then decided against it, realizing it was possible to express herself in other ways.

And so, once more, Lily stopped fighting, and instead started to kiss him back with all the fury inside of her. She felt him stiffen almost at once, and felt a brief surge of triumph, quickly squashed as his eyes flashed, but not with anger, and the tone of the kiss changed to one of battle, their tongues warring with one another for dominance. Lily dug her fingers roughly into his shoulders, not caring if she hurt him, almost hoping that she would, then gasped as Severus shoved her back further onto the desk, pulling slightly away. For the briefest moment she felt a flash of empty victory, thinking he had stopped, but then his lips were on hers once more and she squeaked as he took her lower lip between his teeth, biting down roughly.

Lily's head spun at the sensation and she gripped him more tightly, this time unintentionally, as his mouth moved to her neck, nipping lightly on the sensitive shin there before allowing his lips to settle in one place and-

"A-hem!" an amused voice sounded from the doorway, and Lily froze, relieved as Severus did the same, and the voice continued, "I believe this would be an- _appropriate_- juncture to announce my presence."

Lily couldn't place the voice, but guessed from his grimace that Severus could, before he turned, stepping out of her way to reveal Lucius Malfoy, who looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Malfoy," Severs greeted him coolly after a moment, nodding in acknowledgement. "What brings you here?"

The blond arched an eyebrow. "I would ask you the same question if it weren't- uh, obvious," he replied, again seeming to suppress a laugh before grinning cheekily. "And Narcissa always wonders why I think she's no fun."

To her surprise Lily felt the urge to laugh herself at his flippant comment, and Lucius turned to her before taking a slightly wobbly step forward, and as she registered the fact that one of the ten most feared death eaters was _tipsy_ she again fought the urge to laugh.

"And how is the lady of the hour enjoying her party?" he inquired good-naturedly, arching a curious eyebrow, and Lily opened her mouth to answer before remembering she still couldn't talk. She turned to glare at Severus, who quickly muttered "_Sonarus" _almost too softly to be heard-

But Lucius did hear, and he looked between the two of them in confusion before a wide, surprised grin split across his face.

"Snape, my man," he said approvingly, sounding to Lily strangely like Sirius, "_kinky!"_

And then Lily did laugh, though she wasn't certain if it was at Lucius's words or at the mortified expression they had caused to fly across Severus's face.

"The lady of the hour is enjoying herself very much," Lily interjected quickly as she saw Severus's hands clench at his sides, and she stepped between the two men and smiled up at Lucius with every ounce of charm in her body. "And you, Mister Malfoy?"

--

Severus looked on in disbelief as Lily and Malfoy led the way down the hall, talking for all the world as if they were old friends- as though as recently as last week they hadn't been uttering death threats against one another.

"No, NO, call me Lucius!" he heard the blond say emphatically, and Lily laughed again. Severus cringed as he heard the sound- a sound that he seemed unable to produce from her, but that apparently even a Malfoy could inspire-

"So what were you doing in this wing?" Lily asked, good natured humor still in her voice, and despite himself Severus felt sharp respect for her ability to use humor and kindness to gather information, coupled with the realization that the Death Eaters would never be able to understand what she was doing- that she was likely to be successful simply due to that fact-

"Looking for you, actually," he responded with a cheeky grin, and not for the first time Severus felt the urge to punch the smug grin off his face, surprised as Lily, far from looking offended, just laughed again.

"Flatterer," she retorted, shaking her head in mock disapproval, and Lucius smiled before saying quickly,

"No, really- the Dark Lord arrived some time ago and sent me to look for you and your- er, husband," he supplied, tripping slightly over the word _husband_ and causing Severus to want to punch him again, though he couldn't quite pinpoint why. "He was rather- _confused_- by your absence.

At his words Lily flushed, looking slightly concerned before saying softly, hesitantly, "I don't suppose you could- uh- sort of- well, tell him Sev was giving me a tour or something?"

And to Severus's amazement Malfoy nodded good naturedly, muttering some drivel about how he understood that some things were private.

--

Severus saw Lily's smile drop as soon as they entered his chambers back at Hogwarts, and she commented dryly, "Some wedding night."

"You certainly seemed to enjoy yourself," he bit out carefully, pretending to be intently interested in the potions books lining his shelves as she snorted, her cheeks coloring slightly.

"Whatever," she bit out. "As kisses go, I've had better."

His eyes snapped to meet hers as he said sharply, "Actually, I was referring to your flirtation with Malfoy, but it's interesting that your thoughts would go to-"

"Your taking advantage of me in the records room?" she supplied quickly before looking slightly ashamed and saying softly, "That was- good thinking, by the way. I didn't even understand what you were doing, but really, I don't think there was anything Lucius would have understood better." Her brow furrowed slightly and she bit her lip before asking, "How long do you think he watched us?"

"The whole time," Severus replied shortly, amazed when Lily looked slightly abashed, but then laughed again.

"Talk about kinky," she deadpanned, and despite himself Severus felt a ghost of a smile flit across his own face. "Still, though," she mused, looking contemplative, "He's not really as bad as I expected-

"You two certainly seemed to get along," Severus snapped, feeling jealousy flair inside him but unable to stop it, before continuing "You'd do well to watch yourself around him-" and Lily looked slightly taken aback by his tone before rolling her eyes.

"Careful, Sev, I might think you care," she snapped flippantly for the second time that night, eyes flashing with some sort of emotion that he didn't understand, and he felt the urge to shake her before he stepped forward, gripping her upper arms tightly.

"And is it truly _that _offensive to you, Lily, to think I might care?" he hissed, tightening his grip as her eyes widened.

The instant that he laid his hands on her she had attempted to yank away, but at his words the fight seemed to go out of her, anger wiped from her face as she looked up at him incredulously, seeming confused.

"_Offensive_ to me?" she repeated, tone clearly disbelieving as she shook her head, not so much in the negative as in a sign of continued disbelief before saying softly, almost _warmly,_ "No, Sev. Not _offensive_ to me."

He felt thrown off by her declaration, and compensated by gripping her arms still tighter, surprised when, though she flinched slightly, she still didn't try to pull away

"Then why do you continue to _mock _me?" he snapped harshly, fighting the renewed urge to shake her as the confusion on her face only deepened, becoming slightly troubled as she whispered uncertainly,

"Mock you?"

"Yes, MOCK me," he retorted loudly, surprising himself as he gave voice to what he'd been feeling. "I appreciate the difficulty of your position; I can understand that you hate me. I hate myself. But is it really necessary for you to _constantly_ throw my feelings back in my face?

And to his chagrin Lily just continued to look at him blankly, repeating, "Feelings?" doubtfully before saying slowly, "Sev, I- don't understand what you're talking about. But I mean- I don't hate you. Sometimes I wish I did, but- hate _you?_ I don't. I never have. Do I hate some of your actions, your decisions? Of course I do, but believe it or not I hate some of my own, too. If I am sometimes-" she seemed to struggle to find the right word before saying slowly, "_dismissive_, it isn't because I'm trying to _mock _you. It's because I-" she faltered, looking away from him before saying quickly, in a rush, "You must have noticed that- well, the majority of my friends are either dead or might as well be for all the chance I have to talk to them with anything resembling honesty. And- it's so _hard_, to- to try to be close to someone again and then-" she hesitated again, biting down on the innermost corner of her lip before blurting, "Really, it seems like too much to hope for- that you might care, I mean- and I have to remind myself all the time, because if I don't- then I'm back where I started again."

He looked at her incredulously for a long moment before releasing her, turning away as he tried to master his emotions- the wild hope her words were threatening to inspire-

"See?" he heard her whisper from behind him, and he almost wanted to laugh at how much it was possible for one person to misunderstand, "Right back where I started."

There was an endless moment when he could feel her gaze on his back, when he wondered whether it would be better to remain silent or to speak-

"So then," she said, voice flippant again, but he didn't need to look at her to know that those emerald eyes would be far from flippant if he looked into them, "Goodnight."

He heard her turn toward the bedroom and felt his heart sink toward his feet as he turned to look at her retreating form- "Lily," he whispered so softly he was sure she wouldn't hear- so softly he wasn't sure he even wanted her to hear- but she stopped at once, and somehow he had the courage to say to her back what he hadn't ever had the courage to say to her face. "I do care."

There was an endless moment in which she didn't respond in any way, and for an instant he was certain she didn't intend to, but then she turned toward him, and to his shock tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"I care too," she choked out before a half-smile snaked across her face, looking utterly out of place in the presence of her tears. "So the real question is, why do we keep doing this to each other? Or- maybe the real question is," she amended, eyes narrowing as her tears slowed and she regarded him keenly, "why do we do this to ourselves?"

Severus wrung his hands together uneasily, realizing with a sharp stab of pain that he knew how to deal with her banter much, much better than he knew how to deal with her honesty- with her tears- and he wondered if she felt the same. Not for the first time he wished for what he knew could never be- a return to the days of their childhood, before everything had started to go so badly- back when they would rather have died than hurt one another half as much as they now did almost casually, daily-

"Because it's easier," he answered softly, not realizing he had spoken the words out loud until he saw her recoil slightly, her tears halting as she tilted her head to the side, looking at him in the way he hated- as though she could see through him, even despite everything, even after all this time-

"You know, Sev," she said softly after a long moment, shaking her head in something like resignation, "I don't think it is."

He felt her words like a slap, though he couldn't identify why, and he flinched as she took a hesitant step toward him, wondering what she could possibly want him to say- want him to do-

She met his eyes before squaring her shoulders, crossing the rest of the distance between them in three large, hurried steps and looking down at her feet before raising her eyes to meet his and saying with surprising conviction, almost as though it were an accusation, "And you don't really think it is, either."

With great effort he yanked his gaze away from those eyes that always seemed to see everything, especially that which he didn't want them to, and yet never seemed to quite _understand-_

"But that's just some food for thought," her voice cut through his reverie as she shrugged almost _casually_ before winking, her tone suddenly playful and overwhelmingly, painfully reminiscent of a different time- a time when they had been so much younger-

And then, so quickly he wasn't sure it had really happened, she raised herself onto her tiptoes and kissed his cheek firmly before saying with a tentative, but very sincere grin, "Goodnight."

--

_As always thank you for reading, and thank you SO much for all the awesome reviews! I wish so much that I could respond to all of you personally, but I have very limited internet access at the moment :(_

_Anyway! Re: the story, I think these two are finally getting somewhere, though they continue to sometimes frustrate me. At the end I wanted them to hug, but Severus wasn't having that lol, so there had to be a cheek kiss instead. Tragedy, I know._

_Comments are always awesome. I should be updating every Tuesday from now on, just so everyone knows. Thanks again!_


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